Tuesday, September 7, 2010

All That Life Out There

Things are always changing except for the one thing that can't change.  My husband can't come back to life.  Maybe that's why I keep repeating the same thoughts.  I bought my daughter a present and the woman who waited on us is the mother of a wonderful woman who was in my first storytelling class and remembered she had seen the first performance I ever did in front of an audience.  NYC is a small town sometimes.  I was going to do the solo show I talked about in October but the timing was wrong and I am aiming for spring instead.  I managed to get past my fear and go on my first audition ever at the age of 59 and get it - and then when it seemed that it wasn't going to work - leave on on friendly terms.  All this without Artie.  It puts little rings of sorrow around the happiness.  Life keeps saying YES! and I keep wondering how I can keep going on my own.  I was so used to checking things out with him.  Should I send this e-mail?  Am I too wordy, overreacting?  Is this poem good?  Do you like my story?  What should I do about....  I was so used to sharing things with him, all the little triumphs and sorrows.  I am lucky to have old and new friends to share things with but that is so different from having that one special specific person who holds me in his heart as I hold him in mine.  It's ironic that this blog and my show are both because he died.  I looked at a large picture of us I have in the entry way of the apartment and wondered if I should put a smaller one in its place.  I think about dating.  I once said to him, "I want somebody to love me."  He said, "Somebody?"  I said, "No.  I want you to love me." and he did.  Is my heart big enough to love someone else?  Watch this space!

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