Tuesday, September 7, 2010
All That Life Out There
Things are always changing except for the one thing that can't change. My husband can't come back to life. Maybe that's why I keep repeating the same thoughts. I bought my daughter a present and the woman who waited on us is the mother of a wonderful woman who was in my first storytelling class and remembered she had seen the first performance I ever did in front of an audience. NYC is a small town sometimes. I was going to do the solo show I talked about in October but the timing was wrong and I am aiming for spring instead. I managed to get past my fear and go on my first audition ever at the age of 59 and get it - and then when it seemed that it wasn't going to work - leave on on friendly terms. All this without Artie. It puts little rings of sorrow around the happiness. Life keeps saying YES! and I keep wondering how I can keep going on my own. I was so used to checking things out with him. Should I send this e-mail? Am I too wordy, overreacting? Is this poem good? Do you like my story? What should I do about.... I was so used to sharing things with him, all the little triumphs and sorrows. I am lucky to have old and new friends to share things with but that is so different from having that one special specific person who holds me in his heart as I hold him in mine. It's ironic that this blog and my show are both because he died. I looked at a large picture of us I have in the entry way of the apartment and wondered if I should put a smaller one in its place. I think about dating. I once said to him, "I want somebody to love me." He said, "Somebody?" I said, "No. I want you to love me." and he did. Is my heart big enough to love someone else? Watch this space!