Thursday, September 23, 2010

Grief: Am I Really Filled With Grief All The Time?

I think of myself as being sad and lonely and heartbroken all the time.  Years ago when I was a mental health counselor clients would come in and say "I was depressed all week."  We would talk and sooner or later they would say something - maybe as simple as, "My daughter brought home a picture from school."  I would ask, "Did you enjoy that?"  They would say, "Yes." and I would say, "Gotcha!"  I didn't not respect their dark and painful feelings.  The gotcha was that they weren't depressed all week - just some of the week.  When I am enjoying something, or writing something, or even going to the gym - I don't put any emphasis on that.  When I am laying in bed crying, overeating, watching DVDs or feeling paralyzed I think that expresses my true feelings.  I'm trying to gotcha myself.  I will always grieve for Artie.  I miss him every second of every day but I also have happy moments. How do I switch my focus and pay more attention to the happy moments than the sad ones?  How do I build on them?  I know Artie wouldn't want me to be in pain.  He loves me.  I don't serve him or our love by remembering my pain and not remembering my joy. 

I am so lucky to have be loved by him.  How can I hold that love as a comfort instead of only a loss?

I don't know about the color black.  It is actually an absence of color - and yet takes over everything.  If you mix blue and yellow you get green.  If you mix blue and red you get purple (my favorite color!).  Maybe the color of my grief can be something that mixes with the colors of my life in such a way to create new colors instead of wiping out all color. 

Which won't - or will it - get rid of the walking along happily seeing or hearing something breaking into sobs moments.

Questions, questions, questions.  Wish Artie was here to help me figure all of this out.  Of course, if he was here I wouldn't have to figure it out!!

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