Monday, August 30, 2010

Grief Like A Turtle - Head out - Head in - Head out

I don't know which is scarier, coming out a little from grief or staying in.  I have gotten so busy that my head is spinning and I feel exhausted.  It is difficult to do things without Artie - to learn how to comfort myself and encourage myself.  I am lucky to have a lot of good friends but there is a difference between a wonderful friend and my husband.  Also, so many of my friends have husbands or partners.  I am happy to hear what they do together but it also makes me sad that Artie is gone.  Okay, not gone, here in a different form.  Whenever I say he's not here or I'm all alone - I can feel him telling me that's not true.  I don't know if that is my imagination or not.  One thing I'm sure of - I can't remember what I've written before - so if I start repeating myself - please forgive me.  My daughter - who is 36 - has been wonderful about listening to me say the same things over and over and over again since Artie died.  He used to be the one that would get the waterfall of words. 

I did have the joy of having a friend of his - the young woman who runs his AA meeting now - stay with me - and she loves to talk about Artie too.  I was afraid I was boring her - but she said no. 

I am working on a solo show for one performance - if the theater doesn't change the date - on a Saturday matineee Oct. 16th.  It is all about Artie and me - from the beginning through his death until now.  I have enjoyed telling 10 minute stories - I don't know if I can pull off a whole hour - we will see.  I want Artie to help me with it - but since it is about his death - that is a rather weird thing to say.

I still talk to him every day and feel like he is listening - maybe sometimes not listening - just like he did in life!!  Sometimes I did talk too much for him.  :)   Anyway - trying to work on the feelings of being overwhelmed and weary.  Having trouble sleeping for the first time in a long time.  I sleep with a lot of stuffed animals which means I'm not alone in the bed at the same time I'm alone in the bed.

I suppose the most important thing I have learned is that we all have find our own way through our terrible loss and that we find our way in our own time.  Here's to little flowers springing up in the desert. 

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