Thursday, September 9, 2010
Well, I have this wonderful hypnotherapist that believes that if you say or think negative thoughts they actually create grooves in your brain. She charges $5 extra for whining and kicked me (gently) in the ankle and said, "Stop it!" twice when I repeated an old negative thought. Someone said they read the blog and were worried about me. This is where I talk about the grief tangle not about happy feelings. Maybe it's the wrong tactic - I don't know. There's a disconnect between the two. It's like life is a feast and I am anorexic. I can't find my hunger for it. I have a lot of great experiences and fun times but they don't seem to impact the sadness and loneliness - the genuine sense that Artie was my home and without him I feel homeless. On the other hand - I know Artie and all our loved ones wouldn't want us to suffer. Am I hurting his spirit and his love by being so sad - or am I honoring it - or neither? Is it just that it is. I have a wise friend who has lost both her husband and her only child who says that grief doesn't heal but it "gentles down". I dreamt last night that I went through those glass doors that open automatically - they closed behind me - and there was another set in front of me that wouldn't open - so I turned around to go back - and those doors wouldn't open either and I was trapped - I kept trying to get the doors to open - I shouted and no one heard me - I waved my hands and no one noticed - so I made myself wake up. Lots to work on - but I got bills paid and went to the gym. So, there you go. No answers - only questions. Wishing anyone reading this flickers of light in the darkness - or maybe even a blaze of light. How to make grief a source of praise and strength instead of a burden of weakness and dismay.