Thursday, September 9, 2010

Positve Grief?

Well, I have this wonderful hypnotherapist that believes that if you say or think negative thoughts they actually create grooves in your brain.  She charges $5 extra for whining and kicked me (gently) in the ankle and said, "Stop it!" twice when I repeated an old negative thought.  Someone said they read the blog and were worried about me.  This is where I talk about the grief tangle not about happy feelings. Maybe it's the wrong tactic - I don't know. There's a disconnect between the two.  It's like life is a feast and I am anorexic.  I can't find my hunger for it.  I have a lot of great experiences and fun times but they don't seem to impact the sadness and loneliness - the genuine sense that Artie was my home and without him I feel homeless.  On the other hand - I know Artie and all our loved ones wouldn't want us to suffer.  Am I hurting his spirit and his love by being so sad - or am I honoring it - or neither?  Is it just that it is.  I have a wise friend who has lost both her husband and her only child who says that grief doesn't heal but it "gentles down".  I dreamt last night that I went through those glass doors that open automatically - they closed behind me - and there was another set in front of me that wouldn't open - so I turned around to go back - and those doors wouldn't open either and I was trapped - I kept trying to get the doors to open - I shouted and no one heard me - I waved my hands and no one noticed - so I made myself wake up.  Lots to work on - but I got bills paid and went to the gym.  So, there you go.  No answers - only questions.  Wishing anyone reading this flickers of light in the darkness - or maybe even a blaze of light.  How to make grief a source of praise and strength instead of a burden of weakness and dismay. 

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