Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Grief: Accidental Shrine
Some people were coming over to look at my apartment because I have a lot of interesting things - including in the living room a stuffed woolly mammoth that is 5 feet tall and 5 feet long so I cleaned up my bedroom. Then I looked at it. I could not believe how many things I have of Artie's. Even if you ignore the fact that the plastic bag of his ashes are not in an urn but inside a stuffed leopard on the bed, he has a jacket on the bed, one over a chair, his slippers are next to the bed. The number of pictures of him and mementos are numerous. I have made the things in the living room less noticeable but the bedroom is Artie Artie Artie. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. I don't want to put anything away. I could. I could have a keepsake box. I could put things in the closet. That's the whole letting go thing. I don't know what is "best" for me to do - or if there is a "best". If I clear a space will something or someone come into it or will it be an empty space? I know he's dead but am I trying to keep him alive by having his things around me all the time? They make me feel loved and comforted but do they also add to my sadness? I don't know the answers to any of these question. I don't need to know the answers. I think they will come to me when I am ready. I have a comedy sketch writing class - and for a comedy monologue I am even making his death fit that form. Will I allow myself to have a new story? I have lots of new stories but they all have Artie in them. Will I have a new story that I don't put him in - that he doesn't put himself in? Goodness gracious - I wish he would come back and then I wouldn't have to figure any of this stuff out. I'd probably get angry with him about something silly - but the worst day with him was so much better than the best day without him. Lots of stuff for therapy - that's the only thing I do know!!