Saturday, September 18, 2010

Random Grief Thoughts Time Flies By Slowly

I felt like I was going backwards instead of forwards - sleeping too much - eating too much - went to a bereavement group I really like.  I felt better afterwards.  I am sorry that people are feeling so much sadness but it is such a comfort to know that I am free to express my true feelings and have them understood.  I think it is important to look for a group you like.  Some people do "recover" more quickly and like groups that emphasize moving on.  I need a space to talk about how much pain I'm still in - to release it.  My daughter asked me if I found it discouraging that some women are still sad after 8 or 10 years.  I don't.  I can't ever imagine not being sad that Artie has moved on without me by dying (he had too but that is knowing not feeling).  The question is for me is not how to stop grieving - but how to not let the grief paralyze me.  I have a Facebook page now.  I can't believe I put the gym as one of my likes. Ouch and ha ha for that one!  I even went on - although I'm not sure I'll ever actually agree to meet anyone in person.  I signed up for a process painting workshop.  Process painting is painting from your feelings as opposed to trying to learn specific artistic skills. Still trying to find the balance between hiding in bed watching DVDs or just staring at the wall missing my husband - and being the creative me.  My friend Georgi took such beautiful pictures of me (the picture on the blog is a cropped version of one).  I am holding the trunk of a large stuffed woolly mammoth that inhabits my living room.  I think the woman in the pictures deserves a chance - and the woman in the picture is me.  My husband used to say there are no winners and losers - just quitters and trier.  I am working on being a trier.  Okey doke.  Time to get off the computer and over to that dreadful/delightful (ouch) gym. 

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