Monday, January 17, 2011

Grief: A Year and A Half Has Gone By

I have been in a hole - popped out a little to do some things - but sorry I haven't written.  I am so tired.  Still waking up at 3 am which is the time Artie died (a little after midnight California time).  I am tired from not sleeping and tired from missing Artie for a year and a half. 

Tonight I am going to tell a story - about it being the year and a half anniversary of my husband's death - and how at the one year anniversary of his death my mind stopped counting every day but my body didn't. Then I'm going to a weight loss thing - again.  I always take my comfort in sugar. It would be interesting if someone out there had a system that actually worked for me.

I was going to say I have no words today - but I guess the words are to keep moving.  Someone asked if they can stay the weekend after next and I said yes instead of no.  I'm supposed to meet someone tomorrow night and I might do it.  I like Thursdays because usually I have nothing scheduled on Thursday and I can stay totally still if I want to. 

My daughter has a new dog that she got from a rescue shelter.  She still misses the one that died but she is all excited and happy with her new little friend.  I wish it was that easy with people.  Maybe some people can start up new relationships right away. I don't know.  Artie was such a specifically special person to me - no matter what difficulties we had when he was alive - I can't imagine anyone else.  I don't like the idea of being alone for the rest of my life - but I don't like the idea of being with anyone besides Artie.  Talking about putting myself between a rock and a hard place. 

I have learned all these wonderful things to make myself feel better.  Some days what makes me feel better is not feeling better!!  Maybe you all can feel better for me!  Or we can all cry together and find a dry stream bed somewhere to flood. :) I'll probably feel better when I get out - and I do have my massage tonight.  That's a good technique - having things in place that make me feel good whether I want to or not! 

What do I write all the time?  Accept myself where I am.  Use my imagination to think of happy, comfortable, safe times and how they feel and pull those feelings over me like I pull the comforter that Artie and I slept under over me.  Think how lucky I am to be so sad - because it means I am lucky to have a great love.  Be a grief warrior and march on - remembering that we all hold each other up when we fall.  Thank you for holding me up.  xo

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