Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Grief: Keep Breathing

I think about breathing sometimes.  What it was like to watch my husband breathe in and out and then in and out - and not in again.  Off he went rising on that last expelled breath to "beyond".  Free of all his pain and fear but also that energy, goodness, charity,wisdom, love no longer bound by a failing body.  Me - still here.  How to honor all that he was - all that he is.  Next week would have been our 15th anniversary - is our 15th anniversary?  25 years of love- mine still earthly - his surpassing that.  Someone who is getting a divorce told me how lucky I am that I had that.  I am.  He didn't leave because he wanted to; he left because he had to.

It's like a seesaw - sadness and joy.  Trying to create a balance.  Today I felt overwhelmed.  I am trying to breathe more, live more and sometimes I fall down because evn though his spirit can catch me I want his body to catch me.  I don't want to live curled in a corner with a black band of death over my eyes but sometimes I have to rest there.  The world offers so much light and so much darkness. 

When it's finally my turn to be there - where? the there where he is - I want him to be proud of how I soldiered on.  I want him to be watching over me and see me shine.  He knows if I can be me and accomplish things it is partly because he loves me and I will NEVER forget him.  I will never stop telling his story.  He also knows if sometimes the pain says, "Today is my day." that is the way it is and his spirit cradles me and tries to breathe into my body the willingness to take on tomorrow in a better way.

It was good to tell a funny story in the small theater Monday night and make people laugh.  It is not easy sometimes to tell his story - my story - our story - because all the happy memories are mixed up with the loneliness.  I don't know if this is how the solo show is going to end up in its final version - but I have pictures of him and as I talk about him dying I push them over until they are all face down and all that is standing is his obituary.  I used to think the end would be that I sink down amid all the memories and stay absorbed in them - then I realized that - even in the show - I can take some of him with me but I have to get up and strut out of the theater into the light.  I was angry at the snow today because I was going to use it as an excuse for not doing anything and then it stopped snowing and I stayed in without an excuse.  It's okay.  I'm allowed.  But tomorrow I'm going to feel his hand in the small of my back gently pushing me back into life.  Willing me to breathe for me, breathe for him.  Live for me.  Live for him.

Keep breathing folks.  And send me some nighttime sleep for day time energy!!  xo

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