I've been feeling fragile and rather incompetent and unsettled since New Year's Eve. In spite of myself I set expectations for myself that somehow magically welcoming in a new year would be a great motivator. The truth is it is another date. A date human beings use to mark time. Artie is just as dead this year as he was last year. The challenges of grieving and living are as great this year as they were last year. The grief has settled down and I have done 2 and half days of the new year. I have heard from other grieving people that the relief they expected when the holidays were over has not come. I think it is partly that - although the obvious celebrations all around have ended - time hasn't. We still wake up in the morning with the burden of our loss and then - if we can - get up and keep going.
I am a great procrastinator. Always have been. My plans for the day are to get dressed - Artie used to have post it notes that would say simple things like take a shower, shave etc... to remind him to take care of himself. I am going to the gym again and hope I eat better today. I signed up for a dating site and then didn't pay for it because I am so ambivalent. I look at all the pictures of probably - some of them - very nice men - then I look at the pictures on my desk while I write this - those are the pictures of my man. Ashes now. Almost left it that way. Ashes and great energy and spirit - cheering me on - understanding my hurt.
I need to work on my solo show. I need to write. I need to clean up a little. I need to find an accountant because it will be tax season soon. I need to live. There is a meet up group going to Irish music tomorrow night. I love Irish music - used to live in Ireland. Do I dare to walk into a room alone instead of curl into bed with my past and watch another DVD? How much do I forgive myself and allow myself to be still - and how much do I push myself to act and go and do and live a full life. I guess I don't really know yet what the balance is. I know that usually when I push myself and arrive somewhere it is good - and if it isn't I can always leave. I get tired sometimes of the struggling. I would like to be one of those folks that leap out of bed eager for a new day. I'm not. I'm like a car engine on a cold morning - you think it's never going to start and then it does - hopefully.
The thing about all the techniques I've learned and the CDs I have and the resources I have - I have to use them; not turn my back on them. I wish I was a character in a movie and this is where the script writer gives me one of those scenes where you run along the beach into the arms of someone you love and live happily ever after. Roll credits. I have to write my own movie today - make things happen that make me feel warm inside instead of chilled. If I lived in a tropical climate or a desert I would still feel chilled inside.
That's the thoughts for the day. Sorry they aren't more cheery. Going to get moving and at least spend time at the gym. Then when I come home and look around at my choices I hope I make some good ones.
I hope when you read this you are thinking that thank goodness you are having a great day. I hope you are. I know things will swing the other way - and I won't give up - but right this very second I am back in the sluggish grey looking for the glitter. It's out there. I'll find it. We'll find it together. xo
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