Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Grief: The movie Groundhog Day

If you saw the movie Groundhog Day you know the main character wakes up to the same day every day.  I feel like I do the same thing.  I know my birthday which would have been my 15th wedding anniversary is Feb. 3rd which means I have another DATE coming up. (We were together 10 years before we got married.)   On top of that I am going to be 60 which is not old but feels old and  brings me closer to being with Artie (hopefully again) but I wonder a little how I got here.  I know for 23 years I got here with Artie's help and for the last year and a half plus 2 days (counting again) I've gotten here with gritted teeth and lots of tears.

I wake up every morning feeling like there is no point in getting out of bed.  I do not want to be on Planet Earth.  Then eventually I force myself out of bed - and as I start doing things I feel better.  Last night I went to see a very funny and talented woman - Sarah Jones - with a friend who I met when I was taking acting classes.  She is a brilliant photographer and we had great conversation about almost everything including creativity and some possible projects we could do together.  I went home feeling jazzed and excited.  Woke up at 3 am again (Artie's dying time) and watched a DVD.  It was almost noon before I got up - I had gotten that back to 9 or 10 am so don't like sliding back.  Now that I am up and doing things I am feeling much better.  I have another storytelling class tonight and have to go prepare.

This up and down is exhausting.  I'm grateful for the ups - wish the total feeling of loss and emptiness and struggle would go live somewhere besides in my body.  I am doing a lot more.  I have to say that for myself - but still can't get the good feelings to stick. 

Sometimes this blog seems a little strange - a private journal that anyone can read.  The struggles of grief - of figuring out how to live life without the person we love being alive anymore.  Sometimes it seems very repetitious - but the thing is life is repetitious.  Even if I do exciting things I can't adjust to not coming home and sharing them with Artie. 

So - I guess the get up - get out of bed is one of the answers.  Maybe tonight if I wake up at 3 am I will try to go back to sleep right away or read instead of watch TV.  I used to read all the time - it's still hard to concentrate on reading.  I also used to read out loud to Artie.  He like that.  He would fall asleep and wake up as soon as I stopped.  He'd say he wasn't sleeping - and I would ask him what was the last sentence I said - which was usually about 10 pages back.  I don't think it was the story so much as the comforting tone of my voice that allowed him to sleep.  Sometimes I got frustrated reading to him when he was asleep - I wouldn't be frustrated if he could come back.  I would read to him all night if he wanted me to.  Maybe that's what I'll do if I wake up at 3 am again - I'll read to him for a little while.  Maybe he can hear me where he is.  I miss his voice!!  

Hope you are having the good part of my days not the sad parts! xo

1 comment:

  1. I know Artie can hear you, I am sure of it, and that he is with you always. Don't know if that is a comfort to you, as you are still in the acute phase of your grieving period, but I hope it is. I did not lose a spouse, but I've lost great love through devastating break-up. Last year I took Joel and Jeff's NLP class, which was a tremendous help to me in dealing with that loss, so maybe the Monday classes will benefit you in more ways than you know. Big Hugs to you Jan. xoxo