If you saw the movie Groundhog Day you know the main character wakes up to the same day every day. I feel like I do the same thing. I know my birthday which would have been my 15th wedding anniversary is Feb. 3rd which means I have another DATE coming up. (We were together 10 years before we got married.) On top of that I am going to be 60 which is not old but feels old and brings me closer to being with Artie (hopefully again) but I wonder a little how I got here. I know for 23 years I got here with Artie's help and for the last year and a half plus 2 days (counting again) I've gotten here with gritted teeth and lots of tears.
I wake up every morning feeling like there is no point in getting out of bed. I do not want to be on Planet Earth. Then eventually I force myself out of bed - and as I start doing things I feel better. Last night I went to see a very funny and talented woman - Sarah Jones - with a friend who I met when I was taking acting classes. She is a brilliant photographer and we had great conversation about almost everything including creativity and some possible projects we could do together. I went home feeling jazzed and excited. Woke up at 3 am again (Artie's dying time) and watched a DVD. It was almost noon before I got up - I had gotten that back to 9 or 10 am so don't like sliding back. Now that I am up and doing things I am feeling much better. I have another storytelling class tonight and have to go prepare.
This up and down is exhausting. I'm grateful for the ups - wish the total feeling of loss and emptiness and struggle would go live somewhere besides in my body. I am doing a lot more. I have to say that for myself - but still can't get the good feelings to stick.
Sometimes this blog seems a little strange - a private journal that anyone can read. The struggles of grief - of figuring out how to live life without the person we love being alive anymore. Sometimes it seems very repetitious - but the thing is life is repetitious. Even if I do exciting things I can't adjust to not coming home and sharing them with Artie.
So - I guess the get up - get out of bed is one of the answers. Maybe tonight if I wake up at 3 am I will try to go back to sleep right away or read instead of watch TV. I used to read all the time - it's still hard to concentrate on reading. I also used to read out loud to Artie. He like that. He would fall asleep and wake up as soon as I stopped. He'd say he wasn't sleeping - and I would ask him what was the last sentence I said - which was usually about 10 pages back. I don't think it was the story so much as the comforting tone of my voice that allowed him to sleep. Sometimes I got frustrated reading to him when he was asleep - I wouldn't be frustrated if he could come back. I would read to him all night if he wanted me to. Maybe that's what I'll do if I wake up at 3 am again - I'll read to him for a little while. Maybe he can hear me where he is. I miss his voice!!
Hope you are having the good part of my days not the sad parts! xo
I know Artie can hear you, I am sure of it, and that he is with you always. Don't know if that is a comfort to you, as you are still in the acute phase of your grieving period, but I hope it is. I did not lose a spouse, but I've lost great love through devastating break-up. Last year I took Joel and Jeff's NLP class, which was a tremendous help to me in dealing with that loss, so maybe the Monday classes will benefit you in more ways than you know. Big Hugs to you Jan. xoxoReplyDelete