An update on yesterday. I went to bed at around 2 pm and slept for two hours. I woke up feeling like the only thing to do was to remain as motionless as possible. But...I did it - I got up and got dressed and went to RISK Storyslam which is in a now beautiful 100 seat theater instead of a cosy little theater. Last week it felt intimidating - this week it felt okay. If you are in the NYC area it is at the PIT (People's Improv Theater) and a lot of their shows are free or only $5. This one is every Monday at 6 pm. You put your name in the "golden bowl of destiny" and if they pick your name you tell a story - anything you want - as long as it is true. I was picked and I had the skeleton of the story but my memory is wonky these days and kept forgetting what I was going to say - but when I did - I went on a riff. Parts of it were sad (you only get 6-8 minutes) but some of it turned out to be very funny. I love making an audience laugh. One line that I made up on the fly was - I started the blog because they have this idea that if you are grieving more than six months you have a mental disorder called complicated grieving which irrritates me. My therapist kept saying I had complicated grieving so I made my grieving less complicated. I stopped seeing the therapist. :) I also wound up with a different ending - I said that even though my mind had stopped counting the dates my body hadn't - today is the year and a half anniversary of my husband's death. I guess the message is even if you are standing on the stage and can't remember what you are supposed to say next - you show up.
Then I walked up to this weight loss workshop that uses trance and NLP (neuro-linguistic programming). There is a kind of hypnosis that uses two voices - it confuses the conscious mind so it can't interfere - but the unconscious loves that kind of play and takes it all in. It was just four really nice women - including me - and one of the trances they did - two men were the leaders - they walked all around the room talking interchangeably so that you never knew where the voice was coming from - and sometimes if they were saying something that particularly related to you - they would massage your shoulders lightly. There were other things too - the goal setting sheet was particularly intimidating it said FAILURE to me. Then they said something I liked a lot
There is no failure only feedback.
I like that. When you do something you think of as "failing" instead of describing it that way - think of it as a source of information about how you behave and whether or not you want to change that behaviour and how. That was fun as well.
Then of course my massage when I got home - I have this night owl wonderful Irish woman with a sharp sense of humor that comes to the apartment at 10:30 pm on Monday nights so I can have a massage and fall into bed afterwards.
I'm not "cured". I woke up this morning feeling the same sadness and loneliness - but I wanted to write and share with you how by making myself move I turned an incredibly bad day into a genuinely happy and productive night. I can't always do it. Sometimes I cancel things and curl back up into bed - but I'm proud of myself when I resist the pressure in my chest that wants to hold me down and get out and do something. Although, my favorite day is Thursday because I have nothing scheduled day or night. That day - if I want - I don't have to do anything. I always make time for grieving. I find it works better to do that instead of pretending it doesn't exist. I still love my husband ghost and want him back. I still feel a lot of fear without him to hold me - but I'm glad when I can do what I want to do even better - grieve for Artie's death and live fully - instead of letting the grief overwhelm me and paralyze me.
I'm not used to being up this early - will I stay up or go back to bed for an hour? My coach is coming at 3 pm to work on the solo show and I have to exercise my brain muscles. In one way I'm lucky to be retired - doing the writing and storytelling without having to earn my living - in another way if I had to work - I wouldn't have so much time to feel sorry for myself.
I'm also supposed to go out with a friend after the two hour working session. That's still hard for me - it sounds silly - two things in a row - but I'm doing it more and more. Learning how to walk all over again - even if I do fall down and skin my knees sometimes. It's so hard to do all this without Artie - but how much better for me if I said it's so easy to do this with Artie's spirit and all of you holding me up. Watch my language. Keep it honest but catch myself when I'm putting things in front of me to trip over that don't need to be there.
I hope you are having happiness in your day - and if you aren't - some unexpectedly jumps out and surprises you. xo
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