Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Grief: Accepting Myself Where I Am

Maybe I should follow my own advice.  My mind has told me it is time to get off my backside and be much more productive.  Jan. 17th Artie will have been dead for a year and a half.  I am doing a lot more - and all of it poorly.  I was going to go to a storytelling venue tonight called the Moth and am sitting here after not practicing my solo show enough and when my coach was here forgetting half of what I was supposed to say - which I know very well - it's my own words.  I feel guilty and want to kick myself.  If it was a friend I would be supporting them instead. 

Tomorrow is another day to get up and try to get a better routine going.  Tomorrow is another day to do what I did not do today.  Feeling that I am falling apart is a good reason to start putting myself back together not to tear myself apart more.  It's a good time to look at what I am doing. 

I want to be a normal person.  I'm not.  I'm a grieving normal person.  Learning how to live a productive creative life with no Artie feels like trying to turn on the lights when the power is out.  How can I learn to be my own generator?  I have in a lot of ways - but sometimes I forget.

Supposed to be another snowstorm in NYC tonight.  If so my world will be all frosty and white when I look out the window in the morning.  I like that.  I like plodding around in the snow. 

I know so many people who accomplish many things every day.  I can't do that yet.  What I can do is make the effort and see what happens.  I don't know the difference between needing to heal and being lazy.  I have to figure it out  - and allow myself time to figure it out.  It's not easy when the first thing that happens in the morning is I open my eyes and Artie's not here. Yeah, Artie, I hear you - I know you are here but you're still not earthbound here.  I'm earthbound here.  I want to talk to Artie - in the flesh - about everything that is happening.  I want him to help me.  I want to see his face and hear his voice. I keep telling everyone to grieve in their own time - at their own pace.  It's so much easier to tell other folks what to do than to do it myself!  :)

That's it for today.  All my words seem to have flown off somewhere.  Maybe in order to tell a good story sometimes you have to allow the silence to take over.  xo

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