Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Grief: All Feelings Tell Us Something

I'm a strange kind of person I think sometimes.  Things aren't easy for me and yet I accomplish a fair amount.  A lot of people get very excited and are helped a lot by inspirational comments and suggestions. I have a dark sense of humor and wonder at the way folks slide by things that I think should impact them.  Am I getting in my own way of being a happier person?  I don't know. 

For example, I hate the expression - "It's all good."  There are a million horrifying examples but right now my daughter's dog is dying.  She is having it put to sleep on Friday - maybe - postponed it from Tuesday.  It's not "good" it's very sad.  She loves her dog and he has been her best friend for 11 years. 

I read somewhere that we get frozen in grief and that is acceptable.  I don't find that.  I find the pressure is the other way - to get out and do things and not spend much time grieving - after all - that is all in the past.  Artie is in my blood and bones as well as my heart and soul.  I think we should realize all the things we can do and be - but that we also need to allow ourselves to feel sadness and anger and whatever emotion is a normal reaction.  It needs to be moderated - if I'm angry at someone I don't get to hurt them.  If I'm sad I don't get to hurt myself.  It's good not to hold on - then we're not living in the present.  What seems wrong for me is to try not to feel it at all.  We wonder why there are so many problems with drug and alcohol addiction in this country - when the attitude is to medicate everything away - and some people medicate it away legally - others illegally.  I take medicaiton - it helps me survive - but I don't take so much that I don't feel anything. 

I am inspired by people more than pretty words.  The people who inspire me often have a certain degree of struggle and a certain degree of self awareness.  You can achieve things by hard work and luck.  The idea that if you visualize something it will happen is a strange one.  My daughter has been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now - she visualizes it every day - she sees her whole life in terms of when she will be a mom.  We don't always get what we want - and I don't think it is negative to be realistic about things.  I would love to be a singer.  My voice would frighten a deaf man.  I'm 60 - probably wanting to be an Olympic ice skater wouldn't be a good choice.  I can do anything in my imagination - but in the real world there are genuine limitations and also genuine tragedies.

I know I can go to the gym and eat better which will make me feel better.  I know if I write more and submit more I have a better chance of getting published but no guarantee - there are more and more writers and less and less outlets for publishing.  Some times there is some place I could go where I would have fun - but I decide to curl into bed.  I wouldn't want to do that all the time - there are people who never leave their house - that wouldn't be right for me. However, I don't mind hiding and licking my wounds some of the time.

This may sound weird but I'm glad I'm sad.  I'm glad I'm struggling.  I'm glad I'm grieving Artie.  I'd like to wake up in the morning and do more.  I'd like to participate in liife more.  I'm working on that.  But I don't think in order to do that I have to put Artie in the past.  I don't think I have to have another husband - I might - but if I don't want to - what's wrong with that?  Even with my daughter's dog - I don't tell her to get another dog.  She might want to - but the dog she has now is the dog she loves.  When he dies she might have fun to have a puppy to get to know - but she will still miss the dog she has now.  I've told her I love her and she should do what ever feels best for her.

My inspirational words  for the day are - don't be inspired unless you feel inspired.  On the other hand - notice the things that are inspiring - sometimes they are right in front of our face and we don't see them. When I'm a joyous happy person I want it to be genuine - all the way through - not a mask I put on - not a mask I need to put on.  I'm glad I'm going through this process and going through it with others.  Someone called it misery loves company.  I don't think so.  I'm not reaching for the negative - I'm feeling what I feel and then taking actions to help me feel differently.  Hopefully I will do more and more - but Artie's still my home.   I don't know how to make it be otherwise.  I did move one picture and I will - I think - put a few things in the closet for more space on my bookshelf.  The thing is - I like looking at his face - and the only way to do that now is in pictures. 

My opinion is that you can feel what you feel and still work at finding purpose and meaning and excitement and joy - not work at - play at finding many good things to brighten the darkness.  That's different than saying the darkness doesn't exist.  xo

No comments:

Post a Comment