Saturday, December 25, 2010

Grief: What Am I Doing Online?

I figured out how to use the scanner and wanted to put up the photo of Artie and me.  It's my 40th birthday so I'm quite a bit older and he is alive in my heart and soul but doesn't have that gorgeous face any more.  On the other hand, he's not in pain.  His spirit is free to soar as high as it wants and come back down to cuddle me - he better!

I hope for some of you Christmas is an expected delight, for others an unexpected delight.  If you are struggling or alone I hope that there is some sparkle in your day.  Of course, not all of us are Christian - yet the holiday seems to surround us whether we are or not.

I've listened to about 5 hypnosis CDs and am off to do more.  I think later it would be good for me to take a walk.  Am I lonely?  I think always yes and always no.  I will never stop looking for Artie in the form I so love. That part is lonely.  I will always feel he is holding me close and that part can't be lonely. When he was alive I once whined "Nobody loves me."  He wrote me a note, "I love you. Love, Nobody." :)

I took about five of his jackets I've saved and put them on the bed with the quilt we slept under.  My favorite is brown tweed with elbow patches that he agreed to wear to look - in my eyes - more like a professor and less like someone from the cast of the Sopranos!  Most of the time we were casual folk.  Towards the end of his life he bought a black suit to wear to funerals.  I didn't keep that one.  I like to think he is having a good day with the people he loves and missed so much when they died before he did. 

It doesn't need to be spring for sprouts of new life to be pushing through.  There's nothing wrong with watering those sprouts with tears.  I hope like Moses parted the Red Sea today you will have the miracle of having your grief parted so that rivulets or even great streams of joy can flow through.  xo

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