Sunday, December 12, 2010

Grief: Grief Rambling

Yesterday, on my husband's birthday, the route I take through Central Park to get home was fenced off.  I had to walk past the bench that has our plaque on it.  It says, "Artie and Jan Warner, Mr. Dazzle and Mrs. Panache, You're my heart. Always."  I - as always - polished it with my sleeve.  Was being made to walk past the bench a coincidence or a birthday hello?  I did light the candle on the cupcake but this year am more accepting that he has no breath so I made a wish and blew out the candle myself - and of course ate the cupcake.  Yum.

I'm sorry I haven't made time to blog about these techniques I'm learning.  I'm very distracted about my doctor's appointment tomorrow.  I was with Artie until he took his last breath making sure he was cared for in every way possible (except when I was yelling at him and breaking plates - don't want you to think we had a perfect relationship - perfect love - but not perfect life).  I feel alone without him being here to see what happens.  My daughter will be coming in if I do need surgery - but I don't want to disrupt her life.  I have another friend who is willing to help me any way I need.  Most folks I know are going out of town for the holidays.  The thing about losing a spouse - as someone said to me - is that I'm not first in anyone's life anymore.  I'm loved by a lot of people - but they have their lives.  It's different.  It just is.

So if I can blog to tell you what's going on I will.  If you don't hear from me for a while that means I had to go into the hospital after my appointment.  My daughter is going to post on my facebook page (Jan Warner) if you have facebook.

I am going to take my prescription pills (not all of them - just one of each!!) and go to storytelling class to tell a story about Artie and birthdays.  If I was Betty Crocker I'd bring cupcakes for all - but I've never been very domestic.

Love to you all as you take yourselves out into the world this holiday season.  Don't forget to be happy and be happy being happy when you can.  When I am feeling great waves of sadness and self pity I can hear Artie calling me a drama queen or a malcontent.  I think he would want me to be a little bit miserable - he used to joke about my throwing myself on his funeral pyre - but I don't think they do two for one cremations - especially when one of the people is still alive.  However, I know he would want me to feel happy and excited and fulfilled and that he is proud of me.  Wherever he is it is easier - I think - to wait - because he's not limited by a brain and body anymore.  My brain can certainly get twisted.  Hopefully I will be posting soon - telling you all that I am fine.  xo

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