Thursday, December 9, 2010

Grief: Being Sick Alone

I've been in super denial on this one.  I've had a pain in my side that has not gone away for quite a while.  I'm so afraid of being sick without Artie to take care of me.   However, finally I am taking care of me.  I went to the doctor and the antibiotics didn't work so I have an appointment with a surgeon on Monday.  I hope I don't need surgery.  I feel alone because it's Artie's job to comfort me and take care of me when I'm sick - but since he's dead - that solution is not going to work.  I have been having a lot of fun with my daughter who is leaving on Saturday and I don't want her to have to fly back. (Prescription pain pills have helped with that.)

What am I doing that's good?  A friend has offered to help me many times and I keep saying no because I want to be independent.  Yesterday I e-mailed her and said that I was grateful for her offer and I would be grateful for her help if I do have to have surgery.  At the Celebration of Artie's Life one of the tough guys he sponsored in Alcoholics Anonymous told me one of the most important lessons Artie taught him was to let people help him.  He told me that I should give people the gift of being of service to me.  So instead of being all Greta Garbo and saying "I vant to be alone" I am trying to learn to say, "Yes, thank you.  I would like you to help me."

The therapist I met that I liked very much has made a space in his schedule for me for Friday.  He is the one that taught Language of Change so before I write about that I am going to have him look at it so I don't put out any wrong information.

I'm trying to prepare both ways - in case I have to go into the hosptial right away - and in case I get to come back to the apartment - and trying to keep in mind the the jolly choice - I don't need the hospital at all.

What could I do better?  Take better care of myself.  Pay attention to warning signs earlier. 

What is just the way it is?  I'm scared and sad - even a little angry.  I wish I could have Artie by my side every day until the day I die the was I was there for him.  I do feel alone. Part of that is because my husband and I were everything to each other and he could comfort me the way no one else can.  Also -practically - he knew where stuff was and I could send him in and out of the house to get stuff.  But - the other part is that having my daughter and loving friends means that I'm not alone.  If stuffed animals count - I have zillions of those! 

I'm writing about this today because I know a lot of people in my situation are frightened of getting sick - but a lot also do get sick because of the stress.  I'll let you know as soon as I can how things turn out.

Meanwhile - Artie's birthday is Saturday and I am trying to figure out if I should get him a cupcake and candle again.  Sort of like leaving out cookies for Santa - we know where they end up - but it doesn't spoil the illusion that Santa is going to come and have his snack.  xo

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