Another year is coming soon. Another year without my husband. I listened to a Richard Bandler hypnosis CD called The Medicine Show: Welcome to Planet Earth. A lot of it was about finding joy and having ferocious resolve and letting go of things that we have learned that get in our way. When it was ending I don't know if I was still in a trance state or not -but I was dancing. Unlike other CDs of these types his usually has upbeat rather than soothing music. Now it's the morning. I often feel frightened when I wake up. There's nothing wrong. I'm perfectly safe. There is something essentially frightening to me about living without Artie.
Yesterday I went back to the store where they had the Santa Claus in the window that reminded of a present Artie had given me. When I saw it before Christmas it make me start coughing and I was filled with sorrow and longing. Yesterday I looked at it on purpose. In my mind I thanked Artie for all the presents he had given me and how hard he had tried to please me even if sometimes he missed the mark. I thanked him for how hard he tried to make me happy and I tried to feel that happiness. I still had a tightness in my chest but I was glad I did what I did. Then I went to the gym. It wasn't easy because of the pain I still have - but decided I had to start exercising again. When you exercise something called endorphins are released into your system and they actually make you feel emotionally as well as physcially better.
I am going out New Year's Eve and my January calendar is full - in fact the beginning of 2011 is filled with things for me to enjoy. I want to greet the new year with an open heart. I guess, part of what I am afraid of is that I will fail. Not all the time - but enough. It is hard work missing Artie so much. As human beings we mark time. If I can be more me and do more things that make me proud of myself at the end of the day I will have a good year. Will I have the strength? Artie used to say, "Feel the fear and do it anyway." He used to say something else I can't quote here - but it was kind of like - "Knock fear on it's backside."
I don't really have to think of all that. I only have to think of right now. Live in the present. Live as though the day is a present. Be present. What pocket can I put the pain in so I know it's there but it doesn't keep on being a STOP sign. How do I turn the pain into a GO sign. If I was in a marathon Artie would be on the side lines cheering me on. Without him life is a marathon. Can I hear him cheering me on? Will I keep on running?
I'm glad that the holidays are almost over. Maybe next year I will feel like celebrating.
I will think of all I have to be grateful for. Some people never have the love that Artie and I did. If having that kind of love makes my grief deeper - it is worth it.
A New Year is coming. A New Year full of Artie spirit even if it doesn't have Artie alive. Welcome to Planet Earth. How will I be happy on Planet Earth when Artie is wherever he is? There's a lot of people left on Planet Earth. Some of them love me. I hope I can absorb more of that love and participate more in the world. I want to make Artie proud of me. Maybe one thing to do is stop measuring. I think of what I haven't done and see flaws - my friends don't see me that way. They tell me they are amazed at all I have done since Artie died. Someone said I was awesome. Maybe I should believe them.
All those feelings - all mixed up together. I e-mailed someone who said they were in hell - because I am a language junkie I noticed that if you stick an apostrophe in hell you get he'll which is he will - but sounds like heal. Here's to a lot of healing happening -physically and emotionally. Here's to a brilliant firework display of light - always room for tears - but a bigger room for joyful life that we step into. Doors that have been locked flying open and us finding it easier and easier to walk through. After all - we are grief warriors. xo
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