Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Grief: Another Year Coming Soon

Another year is coming soon.  Another year without my husband.   I listened to a Richard Bandler hypnosis CD called The Medicine Show: Welcome to Planet Earth.  A lot of it was about finding joy and having ferocious resolve and letting go of things that we have learned that get in our way.  When it was ending I don't know if I was still in a trance state or not  -but I was dancing.  Unlike other CDs of these types his usually has upbeat rather than soothing music.  Now it's the morning.  I often feel frightened when I wake up.  There's nothing wrong.  I'm perfectly safe.  There is something essentially frightening to me about living without Artie.

Yesterday I went back to the store where they had the Santa Claus in the window that reminded of a present Artie had given me.  When I saw it before Christmas it make me start coughing and I was filled with sorrow and longing.  Yesterday I looked at it on purpose.  In my mind I thanked Artie for all the presents he had given me and how hard he had tried to please me even if sometimes he missed the mark.  I thanked him for how hard he tried to make me happy and I tried to feel that happiness.  I still had a tightness in my chest but I was glad I did what I did.  Then I went to the gym.  It wasn't easy because of the pain I still have - but decided I had to start exercising again.  When you exercise something called endorphins are released into your system and they actually make you feel emotionally as well as physcially better.

I am going out New Year's Eve and my January calendar is full - in fact the beginning of 2011 is filled with things for me to enjoy.  I want to greet the new year with an open heart.  I guess, part of what I am afraid of is that I will fail.  Not all the time - but enough.  It is hard work missing Artie so much.  As human beings we mark time.  If I can be more me and do more things that make me proud of myself at the end of the day I will have a good year.  Will I have the strength?  Artie used to say, "Feel the fear and do it anyway."  He used to say something else I can't quote here - but it was kind of like - "Knock fear on it's backside."

I don't really have to think of all that.  I only have to think of right now.  Live in the present.  Live as though the day is a present.  Be present.  What pocket can I put the pain in so I know it's there but it doesn't keep on being a STOP sign.  How do I turn the pain into a GO sign.  If I was in a marathon Artie would be on the side lines cheering me on.  Without him life is a marathon.  Can I hear him cheering me on?  Will I keep on running?

I'm glad that the holidays are almost over.  Maybe next year I will feel like celebrating.

I will think of all I have to be grateful for.  Some people never have the love that Artie and I did.  If having that kind of love makes my grief deeper - it is worth it. 

A New Year is coming.  A New Year full of Artie spirit even if it doesn't have Artie alive.  Welcome to Planet Earth.  How will I be happy on Planet Earth when Artie is wherever he is? There's a lot of people left on Planet Earth.  Some of them love me.  I hope I can absorb more of that love and participate more in the world.  I want to make Artie proud of me.  Maybe one thing to do is stop measuring.  I think of what I haven't done and see flaws - my friends don't see me that way.  They tell me they are amazed at all I have done since Artie died.  Someone said I was awesome.  Maybe I should believe them.

All those feelings - all mixed up together.  I e-mailed someone who said they were in hell - because I am a language junkie I noticed that if you stick an apostrophe in hell you get he'll which is he will - but sounds like heal.  Here's to a lot of healing happening -physically and emotionally.  Here's to a brilliant firework display of light - always room for tears - but a bigger room for joyful life that we step into.  Doors that have been locked flying open and us finding it easier and easier to walk through.  After all - we are grief warriors.  xo

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