Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Grief: Hooray and Ouch

In case your wondering why I always start the title with grief it's for those spider search engines things.  Who thought I'd want spiders to find me?

Ouch:  If you live in a NYC apartment building there are a lot of tips to give out so I went to my favorite store to find cards to put the money in and found some fun little things like fake gum drops.  Got out of the store fairly successfully without noticing things with hearts or things that said "I love you."  Then, trying to organize myself outside the store window I saw it had a moving Santa Claus.  Artie bought a three foot tall moving Santa Claus that he loved.  Didn't matter that we're Jewish and he didn't like holidays much (because he was so poor when he was a kid) - he loved that Santa Claus and I had to take it out every year, plug it in - watch it glow and move.  My hands started to shake and I started coughing.  NLP calls them anchors.  Things that are just things but for us they are invested with meaning.  I thought - well,  I'll use all my techniques - but kept coughing (like I was choking) so decided this was one I was just going to have to grieve over.  A silly Santa Claus making me miss my husband and fall apart instead of laugh.

Hooray:  Then I went to Whole Foods.  One of the advantages of living alone is that you can often get in the 10 or less aisle.  The young man who waited on me only had big paper bags (my bag was full) so I said, "Oh, don't you have a little one?"  He went to another aisle to find one (in the middle of all the Christmas crush).  I said, "Thank you.  I hope you become a millionaire for doing such a sweet thing."  He smiled and said, "No reward required." 

Ouch:  Came home and had a self pity attack and called my daughter.  Told her the first story - then the second.  She said, "Sounds like you had a pretty good day."  She has what so many of our relatives and friends get - grief burnout.  It's been a year and a half, Mom, work it out.  She didn't say that but I felt it.  I wish she had said, "Oh I'm so sorry you're feeling sad."  She has her own life and I'm glad about that but sometimes...

Hooray:  Got a beautiful photography book from a friend I wasn't expecting a present from.  There was a huge line at Borders which I wasn't going to wait in but when I got home there was a DVD waiting for me in the mail.

Hooray:  My best friend who lives in Tucson has called twice this week just to make sure I am okay and listen to anything I have to say.  She told me I was very brave which was nice to hear.

It's that kind of day.  It's that kind of life.  I want to call it a black whole (instead of hole) but it isn't really.  There are lots of happy bits sprinkled through.  Like snowflakes they each have their own size and shape but somehow they still seem to melt on my tongue.  That's why I'm giving myself permission to sleep too much and watch all these DVDs and hopefully 2011 will give me a new burst of whatever it is I need.

It's the in between times.  Out I go - do whatever I do - laugh and smile and enjoy - and then home I come without Artie there to hug me and share my day.  Sad bad mad old emptiness.  Not giving up though. 
Hope some of you had delicious cupcake days with happy sprinkles and if you didn't - I hope you had at least a few happy sprinkles.  Hi honey husband ghost.  I miss you.  xo

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