I haven't posted in a while. I didn't realize it. It's the holiday - wish it wasn't the holiday - widow syndrome. Read a lovely line that being with a widow is like dancing around barbed wire. Still have the pain in my side - looking for a new doctor. That doesn't help. Something good I did was ask a friend to celebrate New Year's Eve with me. She said yes. Trying not to isolate but it's hard. I feel like a small child who has had a trauma and is regressing. Watched a DVD with the stuffed leopard with the plastic bag of Artie's ashes in it on my lap. Haven't done that in a long time. I think it's so weird that I put his ashes in a stuffed animal he gave me. It surprises me that a lot of people think it's sweet.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday who might have an exciting project for me in January. I actually have a lot of things scheduled next year but it seems a long way from now. A new year without my husband. Hard to accept. I have happy times but it's hard to take that happiness and hold on to it - it seems to go away when I walk into my empty apartment.
A technique I learned was that the brain responds to questions better than statements. In other words instead of doing affirmations - making statements - You ask yourself a series of questions and answer them. The more often the better. What am I most happy about right now? (phrase it any way you want as long as it is a question) Then - Why does that make me happy? Then How does that make me feel? Then when you have a sense of the happy feeling try to bathe yourself in it. Make it like a suit you step into. Instead of the word happy you can use anything - excited - proud - grateful. It can be a memory. Sometimes I ask - When did I feel most safe? In Artie's arms. Why did that make me feel safe? Because I could feel his love and knew he would take care of me and protect me. What did being safe feel like? When I do that - I feel safe. I also do it with being alone. It could be in the present. When did I feel I wasn't alone? When I got so many e-mails about my not feeling well. Why did that not make me feel alone? Because more people cared about me than I knew. How did that make feel. It made me feel that even though Artie's not here there was a warm circle around me. Asking the questions and answering them and picturing the answers draws in the feelings.
I wish I could say - hooray! Now I'm fixed. I'm sleeping too much and struggling. It's a hard time for a lot of us. I wish you all things during your day that bring you some real tender contentment for a short time or a even all day and all night One of things that's hard for me is watching my friends go off with their families intact and all the tourists in NYC holding hands. I can't let go of the feeling that Artie was my one and only true love but then I am choosing loneliness. Oh well, don't have to figure it out today.
I'll try to not let the doldrums keep me from posting more often - and I'll talk about more techniques that I've learned to try to change the way I feel. At least to keep moving and resist the gravity pull of my bed! xo
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