Here we go again. Just had a doctor's appointment and he said he was sorry I was no longer seeing a therapist because I wasn't "moving forward". I did go to an excellent therapist for a while. I have nothing new to say. My husband's dead. I miss him. It breaks my heart every day that he is not with me to share the good times and the bad times. For me moving forward means: I pay my bills on time, I take classes and workshops in writing and performing - and for the performing I am actually starting to perform more, I am starting to travel again. I am eating better and going to the gym. Me! Going to the gym. I don't have anything against people falling in love again and getting married again. I think that's great. Maybe someday I will - but I don't think of Artie as a husband slot to be refilled. It is a specific person I love and miss and there is no moving forward from the fact that although I feel that his spirit is with me and we talk and laugh together - (my imagination? don't know) - I miss his face and his touch and his voice. He understood me in a unique way and I understood him in a unique way. Not a perfect marriage - we fought about a lot of things - but a perfect love. That's why I call this darn blog - Stop Thief: Don't Steal My Grief. I don't lie about how I feel. As long as I have breath I will feel connected to this very special man and I will miss him. If another special man comes along - well - I have heard enough widows say they have found love again - I am open to it - but I am not chasing it right now. I wear my wedding rings when I feel comforted by them. Sometimes I take them off. My feelings are not controlled by anyone - medical or friend - however well meaning. The long performance piece I am working on is about death - and him - and us. Grieving is not something that one should have to keep hidden. It is not something to be ashamed of. Each of moves at our own pace - if I'm a little grief tortoise moving slower than some swift grief hare - well - slow and steady wins the race.
Speaking of traveling I am leaving to go back to the house where we lived together in Carmel to say goodbye. When Artie died over a year ago I couldn't stand the house without him in it and packed up and left for NYC very quickly. It is painted white (used to be purple and blue and lots of colors) and empty except for a chair and our bed. I will be seeing lots of friends - but I feel that going back is for grief work. I am lucky enough to have a film maker friend coming for a day to shoot me telling some of my stories in the empty house. Then a weekend in San Francisco and then to Seattle for my daughter's birthday. She's 36 and has been a wonderful support throughout this time - listened to the same stories over and over again without complaining - came to visit a lot. So...if anyone out there is actually reading this I won't be posting again until August 11th. Keep strong. You can cry and be strong. You can cry and move forward. You can feel whatever you feel and know that it is NORMAL. The only exception is that if you feel suicidal or are isolating too much - know that there are many people out there to help you through this. Don't be afraid to feel and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
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