Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Grief: Taking My Grief to Seattle

Yup.  Have Artie's Yankee Jacket with me.  Had a miserable time at the airport last night - on a rumor that there would be a storm in NY all flights were diverted to Virginia where there actually was a thunderstorm - so the planes refueled and couldn't leave.  At least I got out - about 5 hours late.  I surprised myself by telling the gate agent she did a good job instead of growling at her.  Have to practice that more - seeing things from the way others see them.

Love being with my daughter.  Lots of mixed feelings.  She is so proud of her house - and it is beautiful but every time I compliment her and smile I think is she digging in or is she moving?  It's like with Artie's death part of me accepts that she and my grandchild to be will live on the west coast - and the other part of me says No No No.  I am so much better than being two than at being 60!  The other bit is the memories.  She has furniture from the house that Artie and I shared.  She has beautiful roses growing in our garden.  We used to have beautiful roses.  She sold the car I drove when Artie and I were married - I don't need it in NYC but it is another piece gone.  Keep your eye on the prize, Jan.  Look to the future not the past.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can - but only if I keep clinging on to the Yankee jacket and believing that Artie's spirit is with me.  I think I should talk about him less after two years and then on I go...Artie this, Artie that.  I miss that man!!

Did some posting on a FB site called Depression.  There is so much hurt out there.  It is the only site I have seen folks post incredibly cruel things.  I know it's probably part of their illness but I can't decide if I should keep trying to reach folks and take the hits and block people - or if I should avoid it.  It's like do I want to do stand up comedy or tell stories that reach people?  Maybe the answer is alway a bit of this, a bit of that.  I wish there was less suffering in the world.  I wish people were kinder to each other.  How to hold both - the good connections, the kindness, communities of light and support and courage - and the folks that out of pain or just plain meanness want to make everyone as miserable as they are - or worse - the true crimes that are committed on a daily basis.

How to hold it all - and with out Artie.  My daughter rubbed my neck for a few minutes - and I petted her dog Lily even though I knew it would make me sneeze!  How much I miss having Artie pet me - hold me - rub my neck.

So many paths.  So many ways of finding peace and so many folks can't that kind find any of the paths.  Me - I stay on the path for a while - wander off into the woods - come back on to the path - get lost - get found.

I am rambling and my dinner is getting cold.  Love from Seattle - to you in hot humid places I blow a cool breeze to you and hope it gets there.   xo

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