Saturday, August 6, 2011

Grief: A New Life and The Missing Person

It's odd.  I'm here in Seattle with my daughter buying a crib and a stroller that holds a car seat.  Gone are the days when you could let your child bounce up and down unrestrained in the car!  Buying cute clothes.  Meeting her friends.  Feeling happy at being a grandmother for the first - and probably only time.  The miracle of seeing the baby move around in the sonogram.  New Life.  Feeling happy that my daughter who had multiple problems (including drug addiction) is sober and and living a lovely life with good friends in a nice house.  I am so proud of her.  Feeling sad that she lives so far away from me.  Trying to figure out how I will combine my life in NYC with a new little sweetheart in Seattle.  My daughter says she will move east but all her actions say she is staying in Seattle (decorating the nursery etc...).  I'm going to be here a month around her due date and wonder how I will stay sane without all my NYC distractions.  It would be silly to pack Artie's slippers to put them next to the bed for just a month!  I always remember to be grateful that I have a daughter.  I know too many people whose children have died not to do that.

So...there is the same story I type over and over again.  I wake up in the morning holding a Yankee jacket and feel sad and stuck and then when I am lucky I get up and do lovely things.  I talk about Artie a lot.  I wonder if I will ever stop doing that.  My daughter is very patient with then endless  Artie this and Artie that.  A grandbaby that he will not be here to love.  Not in person anyway - in spirit for sure.  So much to share with him and I do but always with that question mark.  I hear him say he is with me but is he?  I am so limited.  I want a face and a voice.  You could all write it for me.  All of us wishing for this one person to come back - or hoping that some day soon we will be together.  The grand child messes with that.  I want so much to be with Artie - but I also want to be a good and loving granny - and I can't do that if I'm not here.  That means really being HERE, not being here and wishing I was somewhere else.

It is always a puzzle.  I wish that as I get to the end of a post I could say - NOW - I have figured it out and here is the answer.  Not me.  I know I don't like perky positive and I don't like using his death as an excuse for being paralyzed so still looking for that point where I can be me.  Thinking a little about NY and if I can write more, work on my stories more or if I will just crawl into my own bed and turn on the DVD player.

If anyone figures it out - let me know.  :)   I have to get dressed.  My daughter is on her way to the hotel.  Wishing you all a way to miss the folks we miss without letting the sadness get in the way of having happy days and nights.  That's the real puzzle.  Holding both.  Being sad and lonely and happy and excited at the same time - without my head spinning around like some horror film creation.  Artie was such a comfort to me (even if I did scream at him some times!!) - so that's part of it too.  How to exist in the world without this loving man to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay.  Also, selfishly missing getting my back scratched or the simple thing of walking into the house and seeing his eyes light up and his smile and getting my big hug.  See...I talk about him all the time, think about him all the time.  Well, most of the time.  Thank you for listening to me do it. I really have to get dressed.  xo

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