Monday, August 29, 2011

Grief: Hurricanes and Sunshine

I managed to get home.  Flew from Denver to Philadelphia.  Stayed in a hotel and then on Sunday got someone to drive me to NYC.  Went past Newark airport which was still closed even though everything was completely dry.  Seemed as though all our leaders reacted on the basis of fear not strength.  When I got into NYC at about 4 pm on Sunday everything was dry.  It was cloudy - but people were out doing their thing.  Today it is a bright sun blue sky day.  It is tragic for the few people that died (mostly from the rather normal storm happening of downed tree limbs) and sad for the people that had property damage.  However, it wasn't the catastrophe that the news kept making into. 

Shows me what language does.  How often do I operate from my own fear and how often from my own strength?  How do I make my little setbacks and sluggish days into catastrophes?  How much do I protect myself from hurt that is never going to come?  How do I learn to be strong in myself so that I look at what is really happening and react to that?

Artie is really dead.  I still have hurricanes and sunshine around that.  It is lonely coming home without him here.  I think I will always have this odd mixture of happiness and sadness.  Maybe not.  What if instead of fearing the future I live today?  I'm going to the gym after I write this.  Maybe I should fear that!!   Sore muscles heading my way.  Ouch. 

I had an odd trip.  The first friend I was with I felt was really with me and understood the joys and the difficulties of my life every day - like I understand hers.  The second two friends - I had a good time - but I had planned everything - and they spent a lot of time talking to their guys and about the troubles they were having with them.  After a while it started to wear me down.  I wanted to be a good and supportive friend but it was difficult that they didn't get how lucky they were that their guys were still alive to have problems with and it might be hurtful to me since I didn't.  I also felt bad that they got to go home (they live out west) and I had to wend my way through closed airports.  I got home.  Whatever home is.  It was a longer journey and they didn't check with me to see that I made it.

Maybe that is part of being a widow, of being anyone who has had someone they love die - every journey is a longer journey.  Every journey can contain joy and laughter but it is different because we can't share it - before, during, or after - with the person we most want to share it with.  The same thing about home.  I was so glad to be in my own bed instead of stuck in another hotel.  However, my bed has no Artie in it.  I had no one to greet me when I walked in the door.  After two years and more I still can't get used to comforting myself.  The space where Artie used to be is BIG BIG BIG.  As much as he wraps himself around me spiriturally it's not enough for me. That is what my first friend understood and my second two friends didn't.  Luckily I have friends that do understand - but I want everyone to.  It's so obvious to me.  I'm wounded.  Artie's death is a wound that doesn't want to heal no matter what I put on it.  I don't mind walking with a limp - I want people to notice that I'm still limping. That's not true.  I do mind.  I keep trying not to mind.

I have put pressure on myself to get more involved in things and take better care of myself (the gym - food).  I don't know if I can measure up to what I've planned.  I am going to try though.  The main thing is that I go on living when people take care of me and when they don't.  That's the hardest part.  Not being number one in someone's life.  I miss that so much. 

Whine. Whine. Whine.  Then - out into the world and shine, shine, shine.  Hurricanes and Sunshine.  Got to get used to the whirl of both.  Got to know when the hurricane is real and when it's a bunch of hype I'm spouting to make a good story.  Can't close my airports when the weather is dry.  I can't fly if I do.

I don't know if of this makes sense.  Maybe it's a day to stop thinking and move instead.  Off I go.  Sorry so many days went by again without writing.  Thank you for taking this journey with me. Wish you didn't have to.  Wishing you teeny tiny hurricanes and enough sunshine to nourish your soul.  xo

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