Sunday, July 31, 2011

Grief: Am I Going Up the Down Escalator or the Other Way Around?

Around the time of the second anniversary of Artie's death my daughter was staying with me.  I told her I was totally insane.  I was.  My behavior was very erratic and she got irritated with me.  Part of me understood that I wasn't much fun to be with.  Another part of me wished that she understood and cut me some slack.  Now that the date has passed I'm not a champ - as you all know - but I am functioning better.  My daughter apologized to me.  She said she couldn't understand at the time why I was acting the way I was.  Somehow explaining it to her over and over again didn't make sense to her.  There is still that feeling everywhere - why aren't we over it yet?  But looking back on it she realized how much I was hurting and said that she wished she could have been more supportive at the time.  I hope she remembers if it happens again next year.  :) It meanas a lot to me that I was able to to keep the loving and communication going on my end - and even more that she was able to respond.  My daughter is a woman who is a recovering crystal meth addict.  I am so proud of her she has over 5 years of sobriety now.

Still not accomplishing as much as I want to.  I don't know why bed seems so safe and being creative (writing, making up stories) seems so hard.  I'm not willing to give up yet on my negative protection - watching DVDs, eating too much, holding onto Artie's Yankee jacket.  When I'm ready I'll do more. 

I'm going to Seattle tomorrow to visit my daughter.  I'm sorry for those of you who have had children die.  I always feel a little guilty when I talk about her.  I hope you don't mind.  We are going to find out if my first (and probably only) grandchild will be a girl or a boy.  I am bringing my computer with me this time - so MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE I will write something.  I do write the blog.  That's a good thing.

I have been posting on widow sites and went to a depression site on FB.  I always hope there is something I can share that will help someone.  Today I ran into a couple of sick folk who called me nasty names.  I blocked them but I'm shocked that while you can report a comment to FB and block someone there is no way of trying to get a person removed - that I can figure out - who is consistently nasty.  (I don't mean disagreeable - I mean four letter word name calling.)  To me FB is about building up communities of support among other things and it makes me sad to see that the only way some people can respond is by being crude and cruel.  I did learn something though.  They only have power over me if I give it to them.  I've met some very special people on FB and I can't let a couple of nasty folk stop what I am doing.

That was part of trance camp.  Learning how to be centered and stay centered.  Haven't got that mastered yet!  But if I am centered within myself there is nothing anyone can do to hurt to me.  It is like psychological martial arts. 

It is the second anniversary of the death of one of my friends's only son.  He is having a hard time.  It helped him when I told him how much I regressed around the second anniversary of Artie's death.  That's why I keep sharing and reading.  With all the so called studies on grief it seems to depend on us to comfort each other by being honest so we know that we aren't crazy - but grieving.  Folks that make it through more easily - or have new loving relationships - I am so happy for them.  Folks that struggle like me - well, we just do.

Keep being strong except for when you can't and then we'll all paddle together in our tear puddles.  Thank you for being part of this healing circle I never knew existed.  I'm such a private person - only at 60 am I learning the value of community.  xo

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