Monday, July 11, 2011

Grief: Too Long Between Posts as My Own Personal Doomsday Approaches

July 17th is the anniversary of Artie's death - or as I call it - doomsday  My excuse for not posting would be that I have been away and also busy.  The real reason is that with this date approaching I am like a wind up toy that is running down.  It was Artie's job to turn the key and keep me going and now that I have to wind myself up as the date approaches it gets harder and harder.

Someone wrote me that she is starting year three of missing her husband and I started to cry.  Year three.  How many years will there be?  Yet Artie is no more dead today than he was yesterday so I wonder why these dates pack such a wallop.  He was dying two years ago and yet I feel like he is dying today and I can't do anything to stop it.  When I read a biography of Abraham Lincoln I always say out loud, "Don't go to the theater!" (Lincoln was assassinated at Ford's theater.)  You can't change history.  Artie's death is history but my feelings about it are present.

Even though I have learned all these techniques and  have a lot of good times I still feel so alone. Perhaps that is part of my puzzle.  I look for changes in myself and although I have done much to be proud of I still feel the disconnect.  My beautiful pregnant daughter is in NYC with me.  Her belly is pooching out with my first grandchild and part of me is delighted and part of me still lives in the misery of where is my husband.  I am totally excited for her but wish I was more excited for me. 

I know Artie wants me to live life fully and I want to live for both of us.  Sometimes I can do it.  Sometimes everything seems to unravel.

The show I did - Pull Me Back - which is about my relationship with Artie and his death at home - and life afterwards - has been put on a DVD.  I have sent it to friends and am shopping it around to see if anyone wants to take it to another level.  I have a meeting with a producer about it tomorrow.  I feel that I owe it to the material.  It is important to me that we talk about our grief.  I am grateful for the folks who stick around.

I have been very grouchy and snarky and am especially grateful for the folks that hang around that.

Someone e-mailed me that one of their children said they live in their own little world.  I feel that way.  I go out with friends and look quite normal most of the time but inside there is this place that will not heal.  I want it to be full of good memories and the joy of great love but it remains full of loneliness and pain as well. 

I keep doing things to try to get better - to make myself more whole again.  Find it difficult to feel whole on my own.  I am going Tuesday to trance camp.  Nine days of hypnosis to generate my own power as a human being.  I will see how that works.  Spending doomsday in a totally different environment with totally different people participating in a totally differnt experience.  I know I won't forget - and I am going to tell the leader Stephen Gilligan what is happening so that if I start crying for no reason not to worry about me.  I am still grieving. 

That's my road.  Say what I want to say.  Feel what I feel.  Hope people understand that this is what my grief looks like.  One of Artie's friends - one who has been so lovely in still being there for me - watched the DVD and in messaging me how much it meant to him - called me girlio.  What fun.  A 60 year old girlio. 

Decided the bravest knight of all isn't even mentioned in history - Sir Laughalot.  Trying to keep the laughter going along with the crying.  I am especially grateful for all of you on this journey with me.  Especially sad that you have to be on it but having terrific admiration for your courage and honesty and dedication to being real. 

I am going to try to figure out how to use wireless in my hotel so I can post more often.  Wishing you all courage and love and a way to be awash in happy memories that bring you comfort that at least balances the pain.  Sometimes moving forward means going in a circle.  I have no idea what that means.  It's either profound or silliness.  Take your pick.  A new day is starting soon and I am going back to bed to see if I can sleep a little more.  Here's to all our beloved dead - may we feel their love and take strength from it.  xo

No comments:

Post a Comment