Grief: It's Almost Midnight

It's almost midnight and soon after it will be the second anniversary of Artie's death although it feels like he is dying right now and I can't stop it. 

I am not home under the covers crying - although I do have his Yankee Jacket with me.  I am at trance camp in San Diego.  The idea of generative trance is to create a field of energy in which all things can be held with intention.  This week is based on Joseph Campbell's The Hero's Journey.  Here are the steps Stephen Gilligan (who leads trance camp) describes:  The Call, The Refusal, Crossing the Threshhold, Transforming Demons, Finding Allies, Completing the Task, Returning Home.

Artie's hero's journey was going from being a homeless drunk to someone who when he died had - one day at a time - 47 years sober.  No matter how frightened he was, how many demons he had, he always was available to addicts and alcoholics.  He sponsored many people and always led a meeting.  He answered his call and I am so proud of him for doing it - and for all the people he helped.  I love him so much.  Love doesn't die when a person dies.

My hero's journey today is to keep answering the call - whether to write the blog - post on FB - write a poem - or if I am in The Refusal place - to accept that.  The bigger the refusal the bigger the call.  When you have a refusal don't blame yourself - think - how interesting this is - what is it telling me?  Crossing the threshhold for me is continuing to learn how to live without my husband.  I miss him so much.  Yeah - I hear you - you ARE here - but I miss you in the flesh!!  My demons are fear, loneliness, despair, rage.  How do I hold them, dance with them, and not let them defeat me.  My allies are all of you grief warriors that support me, my friends, my daughter, people who inspire me and of course Artie who is always my biggest ally.  Completing the task.  Sometimes I can.  Sometimes I can't.  Sometimes I can't because of me getting stuck in the refusal or blocked by my demons.  Sometimes I can't because the world isn't ready for what I want to do.  Returning home.  I think that might mean returning home to myself - but I think of it as when my work is complete then HOORAY I get to return home to my husband.

I got a massage and now I am spending some time on line after being off the grid for a few days.  It feels good to concentrate on myself for a while - in a positive way.  This idea of generative trance is to keep an energy field that is stable and balanced that can hold all things.  Tonight I am holding sadness and loneliness and happy memories and joy and all of you in your journey.

I wish I didn't have to write this blog.  I wish you didn't want to read it because all your loved ones were alive and you had no idea what I am talking about.  However, tonight especially, I appreciate all of you who walk my path with me so that even alone I am not alone.  How do I hold this all?  I don't know but I am learning new things and that is good.  I love you Artie.  You're my heart.  Always.  I will never forget our love.  Even though you are dead your spirit sustains me.  I am so grateful for that love.  I wish magical moments for you all.  Much love on this night when my darling husband breathed his last breath and yet somehow I kept on breathing.  xo