Thursday, July 21, 2011

Grief: Breathe a Little Space Around It

I am still at trance camp.  Today I asked about trauma that you know happened in the past but that you feel like it is happening over and over again.  I was told the first thing was to breathe space around it, widen the energy field.  I think that is something I have learned to do - not all the time - but a lot more.  I wake up in the morning and am always rather started and stunned that Artie is dead.  I then take (when I have time) as much as an hour or two to think about him, be with him, and then move in to what it is I want to do with the day.  I was also told that when you suffer a trauma the warriors that you have inside of you to protect the light - or the gift - that your presence in the world is meant to be - can disappear or be weakened.  I think a lot of the work I have been doing running around to all these trance/hypnosis workshops is to call back my warriors.  It's interesting that I have always called us grief warriors.

It is so easy, I am being told, to let my "racket" - my grief story be all that I am.  I can't do this - I can't do that - because my husband died.  I'm too sad.  I have to let go - not of my grief - but of the idea that this grief story is my only story.  I am trying to learn how to claim back my energy - or even wish - for life. No, I am doing more than trying, I am doing it.  Piece by piece. Not easily mind you. Tonight when the teacher said L'Chaim (to life) to me - I - without meaning to - said Fuck you!  He didn't mind.  My fierceness was erupting.  I also have so much invested in my grief story - I was protecting it - or maybe Artie was speaking through me - maybe he was jealous that another man was saying that to me! :)

I unravelled rather nicely around the second anniversary of Artie's death.  However, I was told that was normal and accepted it.  I hope that in the future I can look into the future and see myself as I will be.  A strong, amazing me.  That is the me that people often tell me I am, but I don't believe them. 

This is exhausting work.  I can't talk about it too much because of confidentiality but it is beautiful to watch people being willing to share their truest deepest most wounded selves and then find healing - as part of a supportive community. 

I am proud of myself for not bolting.  I have wanted to run away many times.  It is always difficult for me to stay as part of a group but this time I am staying.  We finish on Sunday and I am looking forward to being back home.  Part of me still wants to hide but my work here isn't finished yet.  I wonder who I will be when I grow up.  Funny kind of question to ask when I am 60 years old. 

I know that Artie is supporting me and encouraging me. 

I wish you all the ability to hold the darkness and the light.  I wish you all to be powerful warrior kings and queens - to be fierce, tender and playful.  xo

1 comment:

  1. just stopped in from WV and read a few posts. Your words are very comforting. Looking at year two anniversary on Monday. Not eloquent with my thoughts and emotions as you are. It all just swirls around inside me. But how you describe your love and grief as existing is spot on. thank you!