Monday, February 14, 2011

Grief: Valentine's Day

I have Artie's last Valentine's Day card to me.  Didn't know it was his last one. Awfully glad he took the time to write me a poem, draw us holding hands, and write me a love note.  Now it's my every year Valentine.
I know I'm supposed to let go and move on according to a lot of people.  I even changed the ending of my solo show to have me leave the theater to start a new story.  It's a theatrical device.  At least right now.  Right now I have only one Valentine - only one love - my husband.  I don't feel any less married, any less in love, any less connected even though he's dead.  I know he's dead.  I'm not in denial about that.  Does my believing that we are still together - it's just that I'm earthbound and he's spirit - mean I'm in denial?  I don't know.  Don't really care today.

For me this Valentine's Day is part loneliness and sadness, and part joy and gratitude.  I wrote on my Facebook page yesterday -

Some of our loves and attachments are elemental and beyond our choosing, and for that very reason they come spiced with pain and regret and need and hollowness... (Colm Toibin) but also spiced with joy and sweetness and gratitude -it's quite a puzzlement (me)

Today it's all that - and more.  It's not easy being in love with a dead person - but I am - a very specific person that I love very much and who I believe still loves me in whatever form he's in.  Will I find another love some day - maybe.  I don't know if there is room.  I don't know if it is important.  I just know that today Artie Dazzle (he always called me Pananche and I always called him Dazzle) is my heart - always - my Valentine - always - and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with love - whatever kind you can find - whether right now or in memories.  It doesn't have to be couple love.  If you do have a partner or spouse that you love take time to enjoy them.  Now that Artie is dead I think how petty some of the things that annoyed me were.  I would rather have him with me on our worst day than be without him on my best day.  That's why I hope so much my feeling that we will be together again is right.  It would be such a waste not to be able to use all we both have learned about how to love each other with more understanding and patience and joy.  I like the idea that we were connected before we met and that we tumble together through time.  My job is to make him proud by living a fully realized life as long as I still have this body - not resent it or regret it - but enjoy it.  Haven't figured that one out yet. :)

Wishing you all moments of peace today.  xo

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