Sunday, February 13, 2011

Grief: Family Part 2

Starting to feel like this is a soap opera.  I didn't want to go two days without talking to my daughter so I called.  She asked how I was feeling.  I said that was the Tyrannasaurus Rex in the living room.  Let's just talk about simple things.  It was a phone call so she couldn't see that I was crying.  For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about - she had said she wanted to move east to be near me - and then changed her mind.  She is the only family I have since my husband died and I didn't know how much I was counting on having her near me until she decided to stay where she is - 3,000 miles away.

I have been trying to use my skills to deal with everything.  Nothing has changed.  Artie is dead.  My daughter loves me and lives in Seattle.  I am busy doing good things.  However if you look at the time I am writing this - it is 4 am.  Still can't sleep.  Still have a stomache ache.  Still cry.  Valentine's day doesn't help.

I think when I come back from Russia - I am going to go back to regular therapy to talk about why all love I receive from people and all the happy times I have don't touch the space inside that hurts.  I feel that since Artie died I have accomplished a lot - I have put myself out in the world - and yet part of me feels as alone and as sad as the day he died.  I can't figure out how to fill the space where the living him used to be. 

Had a lovely lunch with a friend today - who thinks I am terrific - and we laughed and chatted and ate delicious food.  I came home and fell apart.  I feel like my bravado and courage have taken a vacation.  I need them to come back.  I know Artie is holding my hand - watching over me.  I know all the techniques I share with you when I learn them.  So why am I flopping around on the floor like a goldfish that is turned out of it's bowl?  It's almost like when Artie died he took all the air with him.  Breathe - people say.  Breathe what?

Still moving though.  Still here.  Have storytelling class tonight - then don't know if I will cancel Valentine's Day stuff - then Marty my best woman friend comes on Tuesday.  Then we go to Russia.  I did call the new NYC accountant - and he wants to see me on Monday.  So am managing to do necessary things - but I need to be healed from the inside out - not the outside in.  Here's to us all healing from the inside out - magically - easily - surprisingly.  Wishing you all love that satisfies and that everyone in your world behaves exactly like you want them to!! :)  xo

No comments:

Post a Comment