Starting to feel like this is a soap opera. I didn't want to go two days without talking to my daughter so I called. She asked how I was feeling. I said that was the Tyrannasaurus Rex in the living room. Let's just talk about simple things. It was a phone call so she couldn't see that I was crying. For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about - she had said she wanted to move east to be near me - and then changed her mind. She is the only family I have since my husband died and I didn't know how much I was counting on having her near me until she decided to stay where she is - 3,000 miles away.
I have been trying to use my skills to deal with everything. Nothing has changed. Artie is dead. My daughter loves me and lives in Seattle. I am busy doing good things. However if you look at the time I am writing this - it is 4 am. Still can't sleep. Still have a stomache ache. Still cry. Valentine's day doesn't help.
I think when I come back from Russia - I am going to go back to regular therapy to talk about why all love I receive from people and all the happy times I have don't touch the space inside that hurts. I feel that since Artie died I have accomplished a lot - I have put myself out in the world - and yet part of me feels as alone and as sad as the day he died. I can't figure out how to fill the space where the living him used to be.
Had a lovely lunch with a friend today - who thinks I am terrific - and we laughed and chatted and ate delicious food. I came home and fell apart. I feel like my bravado and courage have taken a vacation. I need them to come back. I know Artie is holding my hand - watching over me. I know all the techniques I share with you when I learn them. So why am I flopping around on the floor like a goldfish that is turned out of it's bowl? It's almost like when Artie died he took all the air with him. Breathe - people say. Breathe what?
Still moving though. Still here. Have storytelling class tonight - then don't know if I will cancel Valentine's Day stuff - then Marty my best woman friend comes on Tuesday. Then we go to Russia. I did call the new NYC accountant - and he wants to see me on Monday. So am managing to do necessary things - but I need to be healed from the inside out - not the outside in. Here's to us all healing from the inside out - magically - easily - surprisingly. Wishing you all love that satisfies and that everyone in your world behaves exactly like you want them to!! :) xo
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