Today I am 60. I have been surrounded by so much love and so many kind words. My birthday present in 1996 was to get married. Today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. Is it still? A quarter of a century with the man who I love still more than anything or anyone in the world.
It's late and I don't have much to say except for the strangeness of it all. I see the sadness in people's eyes when I talk about my own sadness. They want me to be happy. I'm not unhappy - but I'm not happy either. Surrounded by so many loving people and still the absence of that one face; that one voice. I woke up this morning and looked over at the empty pillow - well - it's not empty. For those of you that don't know - the plastic bag of Artie's ashes is in a stuffed leopard that he gave me - that sleeps on the pillow next to mine. What I have left of his body - and today I did hug it - and thought often of his spirit surrounding me. Even with all that often felt empty all the same.
I don't know what to do except keep on doing what I'm doing. I have a bereavement group this week that hasn't met in a while. I'm looking forward to being somewhere that I know when I talk the people will understand. So many good things are happening to me that I feel a little selfish that I can't let go more. I just read an article about someone dating again - I feel so married - still feel so much belonging to Artie. Am I hurting myself? I don't know. It just seems to be the way it is.
Today I am grateful for all the wonderful things that have happened to me today and this week - and today I am sad that now that everyone has gone back to living their lives I am left without my husband to cuddle in with and discuss the day.
Thank you grief warriors - it is your love and support that held me up today. Kept the laughing part laughing - and left the crying part for when I was alone with the ashes; alone with the spirit. If I get picked a the open mic storytelling on Monday night I am going to craft some kind of funny story about being the Queen of Self Pity! Sometimes it feels like it's a bright sunny day with a tiny black cloud no one else can see at the edge of the sky and that is all I can look at. Let's be brave and remember to let our loved ones hear us laugh. I think Artie understands - but he must wish I could give him more laughter and less tears. Even now that he is dead I don't want to hurt his spirit. I want to let it's love envelop me and I still haven't learned how. My physical mind and body has so much need for him that even though I am glad he is free of all his pain - I miss him so much. Happy Anniversary husband ghost. I love you. xo
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