Grief: Wanted: Dead or Alive

I read the title and thought, "Who am I talking about?"  I meant it to be about me but I also want my husband to be my husband - dead or alive.

Me.  I woke up this morning feeling that when Artie died I died.  I'm like a car with a motor that you think will never start so you need to push and push and push and then it starts.  Once I got in gear, there I went doing a lot of things I have been avoiding for days. 

Like a hamster on a creaky wheel that hops off and runs someplace interesting full of green grass and other happy hamsters only to wake up back on the wheel.

Ah well.

This is what Aretha Franklin said about Whitney Houston. We don't need to wonder where she is.  She is one step higher.  She has completed her soul journey and is in the land of the living.  We are in the land of the dying.  What an interesting idea.  We who think of our selves as living are in an earthbound world where death happens every day.  If you believe in life after death - that is where living really happens.  I don't know. 

I can't remember if I have written about this before - so forgive me if my old brain is having a relapse - but the most important thing she said is "Remember the hits and forgive the misses."  For ourselves and those we love who are no longer with us - why are we spending so much time thinking of the misses?  I would be so much happier if I thought about what I've done right, what Artie and I did right, what all my friends do right. I do seem to have stopped yelling at random strangers on the street (a NYC kind of freedom because no one pays any attention to you,)   If I ask, "What have I done today that I like?" - won't I feel better at the end of the day?  That's what I have tried to do.  At least one thing every day that I can be proud of.  Even if it is something small. 

There is someone on Facebook who thinks she has a solution for all grieving people.  I don't.  I think there are many teachers and friends.  I think there are many paths.  The image that came to my mind was if life is a garden then I collect seeds from all over the place to plant in my garden.  No one else can do it for me.  They can help, but ultimately I have to plant the seeds and then tend them.  When the flowers and herbs and succulents grow I have to give myself the will to admire and enjoy their beauty instead of pulling them out by their roots and throw them on the ground because I am angry Artie isn't here to share them with me.  Anyway, who am I to know if he is here sharing things with me or not.  I don't have that knowledge.  I have the feeling but not the knowledge.

I'm going on a short overnight trip to see a friend.  She is very loving and spiritual and has a great sense of humor.  The seeds she gives me to plant grow into rather large trees.  The kind of trees that can stand up to any kind of storm.  Laughing is good.  Crying is good too.  I don't know if this is the land of the living or of the dying.  It is the land of let's do the best we can to make our dead proud of us.

Not giving up.  That's the one thing I do every day. I keep breathing.  Isn't that easy?  If you are breathing that means you haven't given up.  You have all accomplished step one.  It's up to you to figure out the other steps you have to take.  Me, I'm about to get on a plane.  How magical is that.  A big metal thing that can fly in the air.  Imagine someone seeing one 300 years ago.  Impossible, they would say.  So, maybe today I will find something impossible to do.  Like living without Artie and allowing the joyful moments to increase and get closer together.  I thought the White Queen in Alice in Wonderland or Through the Looking Glass said she did six impossible things before breakfast.  She didn't - she said she believes six impossible things before breakfast.  But...maybe if I believe them I can do them.  Not before breakfast tho.  I'm not a morning person.  For me, maybe before the sunset.   xo