Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Grief: Valentine's Day Cards From A Dead Man

Funny thing, reading about folks dating and getting engaged and remarried.  I feel like it all happens in a parallel universe.  I'm supposed to be living in the present not the past.  Tra la la.  I took out several Valentine's Day cards from Artie and put them on the counter as if he had just left them.  Am I desusional if I'm being delusional on purpose?  I'll be glad when today is over. 

I am lucky to have been so loved - to love and be loved back - even now - I think.  When I doubt that he still loves me from wherever he is I hear him say, "Oh ye of little faith!" 

Had a lovely time in Seattle with my little family.  My daughter is in Boston at the moment looking for a house to move in to to be closer to me.  My granddaughter Gwendolyn has grown and changed a lot in only a couple of weeks.  I was holding her and looking into her big blue eyes.  I started to cry.  This strange combination of loving her, loving my daughter, loving my friends and not having Artie in person to share it with.  Do you all ever get tired of me whining about that?  He probably does.  He would say - Get out there girl and enjoy yourself!!

I have taken a shower and washed my hair.  I put in all the towels that were on the bathroom floor mopping up the water that flooded over the top of the toilet into the washing machine.  Not a very romantic way to spend Valentine's Day but at least productive.

My best friend Marty is here with me.  She is probably going to have an unwanted divorce.  I'm glad Artie only left because he had to, because his body was too sick to stay.  I wish you could make people who are living understand how precious every day with someone is.  I never understood that.  Even though Artie was older than I was I never really believed that there would come a time when there would not be another day.  I was writing an e-mail and I turned to Marty to help me edit it.  Sometimes I get overemotional and need to tone down my writing.  I always ran things by Artie.  Hey, honey - what do you think of this?  Hey, honey - will you hold me?  Hey, honey - I just read the funniest thing.  Hey, honey - isn't it said that Whitney Houston died.  Hey honey - if you weren't dead when I said Hey, honey - you would be here. 

I'm so proud of us that we stayed married through good times and bad.  I'm so proud of us that we let our love hold us together even when we were arguing.  We would have a bad fight and then say, "Who were those people and how did they get into our house?" 

There was a line in something where the person said, "The past is my future."  I don't feel that way about the rest of my life but I still feel that way about my marriage.  Sometimes I feel silly.  Take those wedding rings off (his and mine) I tell myself.  I don't.  I like wearing them. 

I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of the day.  There's a Folk Art Museum Marty might like to go to (she'll be going back to Tucson on Thursday).  Part of me wants to practice what I preach - get dressed - get out - be alive.  The other part wants to let Marty keep reading on the sofa while I curl back into bed and feel sorry for myself.  I'll get dressed - I can do that part.  Don't tell anyone but I ate the cupcakes I bought for today last night.  If I go out I can get more - since I decided I'd give up sugar again after Valentine's Day. 

Every second is a new choice.  Every second is a chance to do something different - or not. 

It doesn't even have to be Valentine's Day.  It can be Tuesday.  My heart is sad and lonely though.  It wouldn't be honest to say anything else.  I am sad and lonely today.  What else can I be?  Maybe I can be funny and goofy and silly and play a little.  If I followed other people's advice maybe I'd be the one spending the time with a new love.  Yet, I'm still in love with my love.  It's so weird.  If there is a life after this life part of me wants to be able to say, "I was faithful to you even after you died."  I know I don't have to be.  He's dead and I'm still alive.  Tra la la.

What choices can you make today?  My granddaughter is too little to know what Valentine's Day is but soon she will know.  How can I be a Granny who delights in getting stuffed bears with hearts for her little sweet self without missing what I would have gotten from my husband?  I have a year to learn. 

I'm out of words of wisdom.  To all of you who are missing someone today - someone you want to share a cup of tea with, cuddle with, share a joke with - let's join hands and hearts and get through this together.  Let's think what we can do that would make those who love us laugh if they were still here.  Let's try it.  Let's be alive. xo

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