Sunday, February 5, 2012

Grief: Peeking My Head Out

Whew.  My sleep is off so I am tired all time.  I wake up every two hours like I was my own granddaughter.  Actually, Gwendolyn is sleeping better than I am.  Maybe I need a pacifier.

I have a training all weekend so will write more when it is over.  I am supposed to be depressed until Valentine's Day.  Guess what!  I had a happy day. Tra la.  Nice to be surprised by a happy day. May you all be surprised by happy days - and if not happy days - happy moments.  When they happen don't forget to notice them and store them up to use whenever you need them.

My daughter sent me a large picture of her with her daughter and her dog.  It says, "Happy Birthday, Grandma.  We love you!"  I put it and a large picture of Gwendy in the space that is my Artie shrine.  It has pictures of him and mementos.  It was huge when he first died, took up a whole counter.  It is smaller now. The pictures of my granddaughter and my little living, loving family turn it into that paradox of death and its sadnes and loneliness happening at the same time as love and life continues. If we can, this double knowledge gives us a sense of renewal; of being able to reinvent ourselves. It's the first thing I see when I walk into my apartment.  Can't help but smile.  It's nice to smile, even in the middle of a crying time.

Artie pictures and letters and ashes are also a paradox.  How his lack of phsyicality makes me despair.  How my memories and my knowledge of our continued love and his watching over me makes me light up with delight.  Live in de light.  Hmmm. 

Some things aren't fixable.  Artie can't come back in his physical form.  It's been a tough week leading up to my birthday/wedding anniversary that is now yesterday.  I appreciate those of you that reminded me that I told you to be gentle with yourself and I should do the same.  I was proud of myself that I kept all my previous commitments.  I even exercized three times last week - once on THAT day.  Ouch. 

There seemed an unusual amount of couples holding hands and laughing together.  Probably not.  Just me noticing them because the other half of my couple can't physically hold my hand any more.

I am tired and have another full day tomorrow.  I just didn't want to wait to say three wedding anniversaries without Artie is three too many.  For me, it didn't gentle down.  I was full of anger and tears - but also had happy and peaceful moments.  I'm doing the deal.  Living my life.  Grieving.  Taking time to fall apart.  Taking time to put the pieces back together. 

Maybe I'm not peeking my head out.  Maybe my black hole is really a trampoline.  I can use it to crawl into - but I can also use it to spring me higher and higher into a life that has life in it.

As the song says - I'm still here.  I can step into an imaginary time travel machine and see myself in the future - tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now having already learned more and more ways to find joy and purpose.  I come back to myself today with that knowledge I have learned in the future.  I can step into that same imaginary time travel machine and go into the future where Artie and I are tumbling around together wherever he is and I am with him in whatever form he is in.  I can take all those good feelings - what joy to be with him again without having to reconcile me being earthbound and him being released from his body - and bring them back to me now and hold those feelings in my heart - in my whole body.  I MISS him.  There is so much pain down here on earth - I want to stop it all.  Some things aren't fixable.  What is fixable is how I feel about them and how I act in the midst of what feels like a whirlwind. 

I'm still learning.  Wishing you love and that life turns into a Super Bowl not of just football players but a Super Bowl of all kinds of experiences.  I love you Artie.  Happy Anniversary.  I am always and forever your wifelet.  Like I often say, watch this space.  xo

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