Monday, November 14, 2011

Grief: Why Do Good Things Make Me Sad?

It was such a stupid day.  I had a lovely lunch with an actor,director, producer who agreed to look at my solo show -Pull Me Back and at least give me feedback on it.  We had fun together.  I should have been happy and excited.  I came home and ate ridiculous things, took a nap, cancelled my exercise with Alex which I actually have a lot of fun with and feel absolutely miserable.  I know I always say to accept yourself where you are, but sometimes I don't want to be here!

This is what I think:  this morning there was no Artie to tell me not to be nervous, that everything would be okay.  He would have said - of course this guy is going to like you.  This afternoon and tonight there was no one to tell all about it.  Not true.  There were a lot of people - but none of them was Artie.  Somehow when something very special happens not having Artie alive to share it with makes me do this backward flip into ick land.  (How's that for profound?)  Isn't it curious that I do this? Isn't it interesting?  How do I stop?  Why do I want to smother the good feelings as well as the bad ones? How perfectly human to have my behavior make no sense.  As if a package of ice cream cones was a husband substitute. 

Artie's third dead birthday is December 11th.  How did I get to three?  Wasn't two enough?  I'm having dinner with one of his friends in Phoenix, where I will be at a conference.  He told me not to slink away.  What will that feel like.  Two of us missing Artie.  Will we laugh or cry or both?

I hope that all of us - you all - and ME find ways to enjoy the good times even though our beloved folks aren't here with us any more.  Here's to me learning how to practice what I preach.  It's easier to blog it sometimes than to live it. 

Then, of course, I read that a 10 year old honor student hanged herself because of bullying.  She was a beautiful little girl.  Made all my woes seem very small.  Let's all be kind to each other.  Let's protect our children and teach them to be kind.  Too many bad old sad old days.  Go away bad old sad old days!  xo

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