Saturday, June 18, 2011

Grief: A Rainbow of Feelings

I've noticed some people say you should only be happy, never angry or sad.  That seems very strange to me.  Especially today. I was going to write about this subject anyway - but today it is thumping in my brain because I found out someone lied to me about giving me creative credit for a project I worked very hard on.  I am very angry with her.  It would be strange not to be.  I don't need to stay angry - but I have a right to insist on her giving me the promised credit.  I might not get what I want but I have a right to try. I'm also hurt.  It hurts to be betrayed by someone I thought was a friend (although to be completely honest I was always a little suspiscious).  I used to think I was better than my husband because I was very trusting and he wasn't.  Then I realized we were both wrong.  The best way to approach someone is neutral.  Also, get everything in writing when it involves something that should be contractual. I find it unbelievable when people take credit for something someone else did.  What kind of satisfaction do they get from it?  They know they are lying, or maybe they don't.  Maybe they don't care as long as they get the attention. 

That was me venting.  What I wanted to say about feelings is that we as human beings are given a full range of feelings.  To only feel one or two would be like playing the piano and only being allowed to play some of the keys.  You wouldn't get all the notes and there would be no music.  So, I'm all for feeling sad when I'm sad and feeling angry when I'm angry.  The difficult part for me is not holding on.  That's why I wrote the first paragraph.  I don't want what happened to ruin my day - but I can feel myself going over and over it in my mind.  I want to get better at letting go of a feeling when it is getting in the way of my doing other things.  My husband used to say, "Don't let people live rent free in your head!" 

The other thing that I don't like is the idea that we all live in the same box.  On a Facebook depression page someone from some organization said all depressed people avoid confrontation.  Nope.  Not me.  If I need to confront some one about something they've done I do it.  Not in a mean way (unless I'm feeling especially snarky and then I apologize).  I think it is important to ask for what you want and to hold people accountable for their actions.  What didn't I say today that I wanted to because I was afraid of the consequences?  Most of the time when I say something calmly and nicely I get a good reaction.  There are some people I don't want in my life.  What makes me feel bad is when I misjudge someone and suffer because of it. People who are depressed are depressed in different ways for different reasons.  People who are grieving grieve in different ways for different reasons.  Some moments I'm depressed - but for me that is different than grieving.  I don't ever assume anyone feels a certain way or thinks a certain way.  I always ask them.

I don't mean I go around telling everyone everything all the time (except in this blog!!).  I have dinner tonight with a group of people - two I have never met - I won't be talking about my friend's betrayal. Artie usually finds his way into the conversation.  I don't know how to spend more than a couple of hours with someone without mentioning that my husband died almost two years ago.  Even dead he is so much a part of my life - and I think he wouldn't like it if I didn't still talk about him! :)

I'm sorry I'm not posting more.  It's a combination of being busy and the fact it will be the second anniversary of Artie's death on July 17th.  I feel like he is dying all over again - which is silly but normal.  I know he can't come back but I am still so sad he hasn't come back!   It's all a series of puzzlements.  He's with me and yet not with me.  There was a thunderstorm with loud thundercracks last night.  I missed pretending I was afraid and having him hold me.  Friday turned out to be another sad old bad old day - most days I get out - but I cancelled everything on Friday and stayed home.  I did post on Facebook pages.  I try to spend some time sharing on grief and depression pages.  We are all so alone and yet together we can have strength.

I did listen to my hypnosis tapes last night.  Made a mistake and fell asleep nicely during the sleeping one and then instead of the machine turning off a loud motivational CD started playing and woke me up.  Sometimes being a widow is just confusing.

I know that if Artie were here he would help me by holding me and by talking with me.  You all know how it is.  Even though I have a lot of people to talk to - and I have talked to a couple - it's Artie I want.  I still marvel at how people survive catastrophes.  I am having such a difficult time having one person die. I better take my own advice and see if I can get a little energy going here.  I hate when I am all dressed up to go out and then something happens and I don't feel like moving.

Grumble grumble grumble.  Groan groan groan!   Someone said they were going sailing today. That sounds nice.  I'll picture myself in a sailboat sailing off to Happy Day Island.  Artie and I used to make up islands to go to.  We had Monkey Island where the monkeys lived (and could talk) and Sweet Dream Island where there were never any bad dreams and Puppy Island because I am allergic to dogs in real life so in our imagination we could go to Puppy Island and I could play with the puppies.  There were puppy nannies that lived there to take care of the puppies.  The last island was Hermit Island which was in the middle of the ocean.  We never went to Hermit Island.  The hermits didn't like visitors! I guess I need a new island - Artie Island. Sail away to spend some time with my husband. 

Well, that was a fun mind drift.  Hope your mind drifts towards something lovely and away from something not so lovely - but if it can't - embrace all your feelings.  They are like small children if you don't pay attention to them they will get louder and louder until you do. 

Now that I'm all dressed to go out I think I'll take a shower and wash my hair for when I go out later.  It's just that kind of day. xo

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