Sunday, June 26, 2011

Grief: Everything Still Happens In The Same Day (Same 5 minutes!)

Last night I went to see The Normal Heart - a heart breaking play Larry Kramer wrote in 1985 about  AIDs when only 41 people had died.  Now 35 million have died - and a lot of their names line the walls of the stage and the theater at the end.  So much grief.  Then the producer - now Tony Award winning producer - came out to announce that NY had just legalized same-sex marriage.  My position on this is that there is a shortage of love in the world so let it triumph where ever and however it springs up.  Then a letter that Larry Kramer wrote is available for you to take home with you.  This is still a plague, folks.  I always bang my drum about cancer because that is what killed my husband - but the problem with AIDs is that more drums need to be banged and a cure needs to be found.  Keep talking about it.  A perfect night of joy and grief all mixed together.  The friend I went with and myself were sobbing and laughing and sobbing.

Today I got a phone call from an actress I didn't think would call me about a documentary I am working on with a friend.  I can't picture myself as someone who would receive a phone call from someone famous.  I'll be less mysterious if this all works out.  She's great - we laughed a lot at dinner - and during the phone call.  I have to learn how to think of myself as - I don't even know how to describe it - worthy - capable - deserving.  Folks say great things to me all the time - I have great friends but I still have my very critical mother (long dead) in my bones.  One of the advantages of having my self esteem a little off center is that I am delighted when something extraordinary happens.  I don't take it for granted.

Then I went to the UPS store to mail some presents and an older lady walked in using a walker.  The man waiting on me couldn't stop because the computer was in the middle.  I said, "Excuse me.  If you want he can weigh your letter so you know how many stamps to put on it."  (She had been asking someone else that while complaining about everything)  She screamed at the top of her lungs, "Shut up already."  That pushed about 17 buttons.  Being screamed at for being courteous.  Reference critical mom described above.  I didn't respond to her - but my head was not in a happy place. I wish my let go of it switch worked in 2 seconds instead of in seventeen hours!

Missing Artie a lot  - always do - but more so since it is getting close to the second anniversary of his death.  Don't mind being sad and a little disoriented.  Feel more of a disconnect with folks that think starting over is the best way to go.  I can't imagine living without the memories of the love and the fights and the love and the hurt and the love etc... and all that we learned together.  My life today is built upon the foundation of the time I had with him on earth - and my gratitude for it (well, most of it!) and the hope that some day we will be back in the same form instead of me here and him wherever (he says here - always does) but I still find it hard to relate to him being here in that other form.  I'm just a simple earthling.  I need to see his face and hear his voice and they don't exist any more.  I know his "Artieness" exists.  I just wish it was something I could physically touch. 

There should be an Olympic event for how many emotions you can feel in one day.  Which one of us would win?  Just remember to notice the laughing ones as much - if not more - than the sobbing ones.  xo

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