Monday, June 13, 2011

Grief: Be the Love in His Eyes (a new technique)

Good news:  I started listening to my hypnosis CDs again.  On one of them it said, "Picture someone who loves you."  Of course I pictured my husband Artie.  Then it said, "Now put yourself into their heart and look at yourself through their loving eyes. See yourself the way they see you."  What a beautiful idea.  If I could look at myself the way Artie did - does.  If I could love myself the way he did - does.  I have his voice on tape saying how much he loves me, how he thinks I am beautiful, bright, generous, loving. I have his words in letters saying how proud of me he is that I try new things, that when I fall, I get up again and try again.  I wish I saw myself that way.  I'm going to practice.  I see this lonely puffy sad lazy lady - no one else sees her.   I need what someone used to call perspectacles.  I need to see myself the way the folks that love me see me.  When I performed the solo show people one by one said things like amazing, wonderful, moving etc...  I kept saying, "Really?"  

Other good news:  I am going to the gym today.  It's been a long time.  I am continuing to edit the show and take classes and am doing some exciting things this summer.  I am trying not to run away from the open doors.  There is a storytelling place called the MOTH where if they pull your name out of a hat you tell a 5 minute story.  I'm going to go for the first time.  It has a long line - and a lot of names - but it's important to go to if you want to be a storyteller. 

Not so good news:  My husband is dead.  Strange to call that news.  It seems like news every day.  People said the second year was harder than the first.  I want to say I feel much better now.  I'm doing more things - having more successes - drawing more wonderful women into my life.  I'm  proud of that.  But with the second anniversary of his death coming up next month I feel like I have a rock in my chest instead of a heart.  Especially editing this show (it's called Pull Me Back and is about our relationship - perfect love - imperfect marriage - his dying at home - and my survival - folks laugh and cry and have loved it so far) - seeing his face - hearing his voice over and over and over.  The loneliness and the longing for HIM not for anyone else.  Oh, I would love it if a warm cuddly guy with arms for bear hugs walked into my life but all the men I meet are married and the ones on line have been so useless (not that I've tried very hard) that I haven't had one date.  The thing is - I don't know if I want one or not.  I am a little jealous of folks who have found a new love.  I want to use my age as an excuse - but one friend who has found someone new is 70.  I'm not trying.  I want the impossible - my Artie.

The good part about the bad part is that on really bad days - like yesterday - I spend time on Facebook on grief and depression sites.  It helps me to share what others are going through and I hope that if I post a comment maybe it will help someone else.  Some folks seem to be so happy all the time - although I know that sometimes folks sound happy and then they e-mail me and I know the pain underneath.  I suppose I look happy to most people.  I am happy somtimes.  It's a rough patch.  I have to learn how to take care of myself during the rough patches instead of falling into a pint of ice cream, under the covers, watching programs about Hitler.  Okay - that one's weird.  Sometimes when I get depressed I watch programs about Hitler.  It's so unbelievable.  50 million people died in WWII.  I'm not doing a very good job surviving the death of one person. 

I hope you aren't watching programs about Hitler!!  I hope you are finding some happiness in your day.  Try looking at yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you.  Hold yourself the way they hold you - or held you.  Whisper in your ear what they would say if they could.  If you don't have a real person - make one up.  Imagination is great - your favorite movie star could be whispering in your ear right now - in your imagination! 

Okay.  I told all of you I'm going to the gym.  I better do it.  Can't break a promise I make you. xo

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