Good news: I started listening to my hypnosis CDs again. On one of them it said, "Picture someone who loves you." Of course I pictured my husband Artie. Then it said, "Now put yourself into their heart and look at yourself through their loving eyes. See yourself the way they see you." What a beautiful idea. If I could look at myself the way Artie did - does. If I could love myself the way he did - does. I have his voice on tape saying how much he loves me, how he thinks I am beautiful, bright, generous, loving. I have his words in letters saying how proud of me he is that I try new things, that when I fall, I get up again and try again. I wish I saw myself that way. I'm going to practice. I see this lonely puffy sad lazy lady - no one else sees her. I need what someone used to call perspectacles. I need to see myself the way the folks that love me see me. When I performed the solo show people one by one said things like amazing, wonderful, moving etc... I kept saying, "Really?"
Other good news: I am going to the gym today. It's been a long time. I am continuing to edit the show and take classes and am doing some exciting things this summer. I am trying not to run away from the open doors. There is a storytelling place called the MOTH where if they pull your name out of a hat you tell a 5 minute story. I'm going to go for the first time. It has a long line - and a lot of names - but it's important to go to if you want to be a storyteller.
Not so good news: My husband is dead. Strange to call that news. It seems like news every day. People said the second year was harder than the first. I want to say I feel much better now. I'm doing more things - having more successes - drawing more wonderful women into my life. I'm proud of that. But with the second anniversary of his death coming up next month I feel like I have a rock in my chest instead of a heart. Especially editing this show (it's called Pull Me Back and is about our relationship - perfect love - imperfect marriage - his dying at home - and my survival - folks laugh and cry and have loved it so far) - seeing his face - hearing his voice over and over and over. The loneliness and the longing for HIM not for anyone else. Oh, I would love it if a warm cuddly guy with arms for bear hugs walked into my life but all the men I meet are married and the ones on line have been so useless (not that I've tried very hard) that I haven't had one date. The thing is - I don't know if I want one or not. I am a little jealous of folks who have found a new love. I want to use my age as an excuse - but one friend who has found someone new is 70. I'm not trying. I want the impossible - my Artie.
The good part about the bad part is that on really bad days - like yesterday - I spend time on Facebook on grief and depression sites. It helps me to share what others are going through and I hope that if I post a comment maybe it will help someone else. Some folks seem to be so happy all the time - although I know that sometimes folks sound happy and then they e-mail me and I know the pain underneath. I suppose I look happy to most people. I am happy somtimes. It's a rough patch. I have to learn how to take care of myself during the rough patches instead of falling into a pint of ice cream, under the covers, watching programs about Hitler. Okay - that one's weird. Sometimes when I get depressed I watch programs about Hitler. It's so unbelievable. 50 million people died in WWII. I'm not doing a very good job surviving the death of one person.
I hope you aren't watching programs about Hitler!! I hope you are finding some happiness in your day. Try looking at yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you. Hold yourself the way they hold you - or held you. Whisper in your ear what they would say if they could. If you don't have a real person - make one up. Imagination is great - your favorite movie star could be whispering in your ear right now - in your imagination!
Okay. I told all of you I'm going to the gym. I better do it. Can't break a promise I make you. xo
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