Sunday, March 13, 2011

Grief: Memories are my flowers this spring

I want to be inspiring.  All around me are people happy with signs of spring, people moving on, people laughing and loving life.  I want to write that I have found my way to do this.  I want to write that I am inspired.  There is a site on Facebook called Second Firsts that bubbles with positive thoughts and people being inspired and inspiring.  It irritates me!   I know I'm doing the best I can and that I always advise people to accept themselves where they are.  Other people tell me that I am amazing, fantastic, wonderful and that I have done a lot.

Inside I'm still that sad little girl that wants her husband back.  Maybe that's part of the process.  To feel what I'm feeling and maybe some day I will wake up and not feel so sad. 

I wish I could tell you something wonderful.  It's ironic - when I lived in Carmel with Artie I hated being in a small town and always wanted him to come with me to NYC.  Now that I am in NY without him I think about our garden in Carmel.  I think how it must look with the roses blooming.  There is a rosebush that you see as you step outside the back door (if it is still there) that blossoms with impossibly huge beautiful roses.  We used to call each other to look when a new one came out - and stand holding hands to admire it.   I think about the trees we planted together and if they are growing taller and stronger.  I wish I appreciated things more when I had them.  I have told people that if the new owners of the house change the garden - not to tell me.  I want to always remember it the same way - only bigger and better.  When he lived in Phoenix in a condo - I bought him a tree to put on his tiny balcony.  It was a solanum - they are also plants - green leaves and purple flowers.  Wherever we lived from then on we always planted a solanum tree and called it our love tree.  At the celebration of his life I rented two solanum trees to put at either side of the sofa that I sat on with one of his friends.  It was the sofa he used to sit on when he led his Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  We had to bring it down to the auditorium because all the people who wanted to come couldn't fit in the meeting room.  So many loving and also funny stories were told about my husband that day. 

See - I think I live too much in the past but I don't know how not to.  I was lucky to be truly loved and love.  I can't seem to let go of it.  I thought I would just write - feeling sad - goodbye - and instead - memories grew - maybe those are my flowers this spring - memories springing up all over.  xo

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