I haven't been posting because I'm not sure I have anything new to say. I don't want to say I'll never post again because then something will happen and I will want to share it.
I went on Friday to see Edward Hopper paintings at the Whitney Museum with a friend. A lot of his paintings use light and shadow. There is one of a white building on the right - and on the left is a dark and mysterious forest that casts a shadow. There is another one of a bright blue sea with green trees full of sunlight - that made me think of the Mediterannean on the right and on the left are two women sitting at a cafe table almost completely in shadow. We also saw some modern art which I have never understood. Then we went to have something to eat - delicious toasted sandwiches and rich pastry.
I walked home alone. It was like the first day of spring - women were out in shorts and flirty skirts. Men were in their shirtsleeves. There was an air of excitement. Most people love spring and their happiness flows like rivers over the concrete of the city. I looked at all the people, listened to their laughter. I felt like an alien from a different planet - and yet I knew that if someone who felt as I did walked by me with my friend while we were in the museum or eating in the restaurant - they would have thought I was one of the people who fit it and was happy.
That's my world since Artie died; light and shadow. A clear line separates my life before he died and my life after he died. One of things we had in common was that we never felt like we fit in the world - only with each other. (It wasn't the reality like it isn't now - but it was how we felt.) Luckily - as much as we fought - he had me until the day he died so he never had to feel like he didn't belong anywhere again. Me - I'm still trying to figure out where I belong without him. The strange thing which many of you understand is that all the love in the world doesn't help - because of that stubborn little child inside me that wants only one person - my husband. Can't have him back. Can stop wanting him back. A boring refrain that won't stop.
I am like a string with no knot on the end. The most beautiful beads are put on the string by me and by others and they glitter and glow and then they slip off leaving me with their memory and an empty string. I haven't figured out how to tie a knot yet. I haven't stop working at it. Still look for new beads - and have gone back to therapy.
I don't know if things will change - it has not been two years yet. I have three choices - to listen to the death whisperer and fade away - to live this sad life that has sparks of happiness in it - none of which catch and burst into flame - or to find a way to live my life fully as I know Artie would want me to - until it is my time to join him. I have been thinking about people like Carrie Fisher, Winston Churchill, Queen Victoria, William Styron - I don't like the word depressed - I don't feel depressed - I feel sad - melancholic - grieving - but people who in spite of difficulty engaging with and loving life managed to not only live but have productive lives and produce great creative works. I wonder if I can be one of them.
I have watched people I have met through this blog and through other grief groups and sites make that journey - from total grief - to hope and joy in their new life. I have even watched people fall in love again - feel a little guilty - but know that new love doesn't erase the old one. I have watched other people stay stuck in their tears and loneliness who feel that life is just a waiting room now - waiting for the hope of reunion with whoever they have lost.
Who will I be? I don't know today. I know I have a lot of plans in the next three months - even after I finally do my show on May 14th - I have signed up for a stand up comedy class. After that...
Feel free to e-mail me if I don't post again and you are curious about me. I do have some interesting therapeutic things coming up - so may want to share about that.
I am so grateful for all the people that have read this blog - and especially grateful that some people have felt supported by it. The archive will remain whether I post or not.
Remember to take good care of yourselves - all of you grief warriors. You are so brave to get up in the morning and do whatever you do - however much, however little. I wish you all find the way to tie a knot at the end of your string so that all the beads of life you collect will stay - and that you can feel the joy of life wash over your grief until your grief is less and your happiness more. I wish that your memories of having love bring you comfort even when comfort seems impossible to find. I wish you laughter to go with your tears. Again, I thank you over and over for always letting me know that I am not alone on this journey - wherever it leads me. xo J
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