Saturday, March 5, 2011

Grief: It Followed Me Back Home!

Sorry.  I meant to write as soon as I got back from Russia.  I wanted to write - I had a great trip.  I feel great.  Life is good.  Didn't want to write that I feel like I'm standing in a glue pot!  My feet won't move.  My heart still hurts.

Russia was like every day.  I had some amazing experiences.  It was so beautiful with everything frozen and covered with snow.  Lake Baikal was even frozen and cars were driving on the lake.  The circus in Moscow has people doing amazing things - like a man climbing a high wire that goes up diagonally to the ceiling while he has a woman balancing on one leg on his head! - and an act with three huge tigers and panthers and other cats.  People train themselves to do the most amazing things.  The KGB agent was very interesting - and actually a sweet and funny man.  Said today we mostly cooperate - as the enemy is terrorism not each other.  But people long for a strong leader - even a dictator because of corruption and crime and terrorism.  Some even have a fondness for Stalin.

Me - I just long for my husband.  I felt bad for the friend I went with.  She doesn't mind - or so she said.  We laughed a lot and shared a lot of good times - but a lot of the time I was sad and complained about things.  It was a great lesson about expectations.  She had a great time because she had no expectations about the trip.  I had planned it and expected certain things - so often when those things didn't happen the way I had planned I was upset.  Same trip - happy for the person experiencing the moment - unhappy for the person with failed expectations.  How much like life is that!!

It was hard for me knowing that she was going home to her husband and to her children and grandchildren that live nearby.  I love her and am happy she has all that love around her - but it made my empty apartment seem even more empty.  My daughter is very loving - I just wanted her to be loving on the east coast - not 3000 miles away.  I hate phoning it in.

Expectations again.  It has been over a year and a half and during that time I have done some amazing things - and I am proud of what I have accomplished (not the watching a million DVDs part!) but I expected to feel better by now.  I don't.  Being in love with a dead man doesn't get easier.  It seems in some weird way to be getting harder.  I know a lot of people say that the second year is harder than the first.  Wish I wasn't in the group that feels that way! 

What am I doing about it? Good stuff.  I have lots of plans for the next couple of months.  Some new friends.  I'm going back to therapy. I am doing a half hour version of my solo show about my experiences - which is now called Pull Me Back - because when Artie was about two hours away from dying he asked us to pull him back - and because I need to be pulled back to life - on April 4th at 10 pm at the PIT in NYC (123 E. 24th St.) and then the full version at 2 pm at the same theater on May 14th.  I hope I can pull it off.  :)   I had a photo shoot with a friend - for postcards to advertise it.  That was fun.  I had this black cape that I didn't know had a pointy hood - I looked like some demented Little Black Riding Hood.  We took pictures in Central Park by the bench that has the plaque on it that says "Artie and Jan Warner, Mr. Dazzle and Mrs. Panache, You're My Heart,  I love you,  Always"   That was my favorite thing out of all the loving things he would say to me. I don't know how to put pictures on the blog - but when I get them I'll put some on my Facebook page.

The not so good stuff:   Spending too much time in bed sleeping - calling it jet lag - but it's dead husband lag.  Feeling the pain more than the joy - not using all the techniques I know. 

At least today I'm writing the blog again.  I hope tomorrow I can write that I got dressed and went to the gym.  I vaguely remember the gym!  Also, that I practised the show.  I need to work on it and I am so darn good at avoidance.  If I was climbing a high wire to the ceiling I would be sprawled on the floor from lack of practice.  Maybe it's more difficult to climb with a dead person balancing in your heart than a live person balancing on your head!!

Wishing you all love and days that are easier than mine right now.  Hope none of you have your feet in the glue pot today but can run easily wherever you want to go.  xo

1 comment:

  1. Hi Jan,
    found your blog from facebook (second firsts) is interesting to read how other people feel and process their grief...for me, I have never ever felt such pain in my heart...Lar has been gone almost 9 months now..when you wrote that some people say the second yr is harder, I thought, oh noooooo...!! I think maybe its cause we are starting to really FEEL the FEELINGS...
    Heart Hugs On Your Journey,