The last movie I saw in a theater was Inception. My daughter forgot the part of the plot about a man whose wife has died and he has to accept it and let go. Usually when I am watching DVDs I watch TV series since I'm not hooked up to television. I am on "my husband's dead time" which means I can't sleep any more and last night I watched Shutter Island which I thought was a thriller. It is; but it is about a man whose wife (and children) are dead and he can't accept it. Then I watched Harry Brown which I thought was a thriller. The opening scene is Michael Caine in bed reaching out to the empty pillow where his wife would be except she is in the hospital dying of cancer. Then he sits at this tiny breakfast table with an empty chair. Then he visits her in the hospital. Then he goes back to the hospital and her bed is empty. Then he reaches for the empty pillow again.
Here's the weird part. I listened to the commentary on Harry Brown because Michael Caine is such a funny story teller. He did not make one comment about any of the scenes where he is a widower. The only thing he said was that he didn't recognize the actress who played his wife at the cast party because he had never seen her standing up before! He was evoking such sadness in me because he is a brilliant actor but in real life he has a beautiful wife and family that gives him a lot of joy and I don't think the scenes were anything more to him than a day's work. He says he has an image he uses when he needs to express sadness - the same image since he was young that no one knows about - even his wife.
So I'm just trying to wipe out my head and I don't have my husband or a job as a movie actor and I keep getting surprised with scenes that before Artie died I probably wouldn't have noticed very much myself. I want a different theme. I have the empty pillow - the empty bed - the images - the memories - the fear and sorrow of not wanting to let go in my real life. Why do I keep bumping into it on the screen when I am not picking movies about grief? We are all so blissfully ignorant of the pain of grief before we lose someone we love. How I wish I could have that blissful ignorance back again. I wish I could say to Artie - great movie! and curl up in his arms and sleep in safety and comfort.
I'm finding it hard to work these days (writing poetry and working on storytelling and my solo show). Getting good at faking it when I show up. Sometimes.
My biggest thing this weekend is showing up at for full days of this workshop on being outrageously funny and then Fri. and Sunday night as well for something called Culture Circle and my storytelling class. Hopefully I can make it and I will be able to carry the laughter and creativity out of the rooms and into my empty apartment and empty self.
I haven't been to the gym since I came home from Romania - am going definitely today. I'm wanting to burrow in and not face the sunshine or the world which I know is not good for me. My towel rack fell down in the bathroom and I am thinking about buying something at the Container Store - but whatever I do - a simple thing of having someone come in and install it seems impossible right now.
My main goal is a silly one in my past life - to stay out of bed all day so I can sleep tonight and be fresh in the morning - looking like a person attending a workshop instead of a hollow woman. I'm very strong but I feel sometimes like if the wind blows I will break into tiny pieces. Artie - you were the glue that held me together. Now I am unglued!
Okay - folks - let's go glue shopping!! xo
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