What a rollercoaster! My daughter cooked Thanksgiving dinner for me and I am so proud of her and the life she is making for herself. I was happy to be with her in her home. I promised to be honest in this blog. I thought about how sad she would be if next Thanksgiving I wasn't here. She is trying to get pregnant and often says to me, "Don't you want to meet your grandchild?" I always say I do - and then I realized it was important to tell her that I love her. If she has a baby that would be lovely but I am working at finding out how to live a good life without my husband due in a large part to the fact that I love her and I want to be here for her. I wanted her to know that she could depend on me. I wanted her to know I wouldn't give up trying to figure this thing out. Finding all the stairwells out of the despair wells. (Group groan)
In the airport waiting to come back to NY I tried the idea of saying how happy I would be to be home and all the reasons why. It didn't work. I almost started crying - so I distracted myself by reading. I can't seem to adjust to coming into my cosy apartment knowing Artie won't be here. I will write about all the techniques I learned - but am kind of mid trip - leaving for London in a few hours and still in my pajamas! I'm trying to enjoy the things I used to enjoy. Sometimes succeeding; sometimes failing.
Grief - missing my husband - is like a howl or a moan that starts deep inside and works it way up through every cell - and I have to listen to it and give it sound - and then find something else to do or be so that it isn't all that I am. That's the roller coaster. Yesterday morning I was a big bundle of sadness. Last night I went to my storytelling class. I'm not telling an Artie story this time - instead I entranced people with a tale about a trip to Pakistan. Other stories were funny and sad. Everyone was very nice and I left feeling very happy. Then home to my "unhome" because Artie is my home. Pow - a punch of sadness. Then a massage with lovely dark humored Claire who makes my mind and body smile. Then being in bed alone. Pow - another punch of sadness. I am a grief boxer and keep getting sucker punched!! How many mixed metaphors can I fit into one post?
I am curious about London. I love the theater and hope I have a good time. Hey - if I'm going to get dressed to go - I have to have a good time - right?
I am so lucky and thankful for so much - and so sad and so broken without Artie. How can so many emotions exist in one person? I know they exist in all of us who have lost a beloved someone. I hope all of you who read this had some happy moments and lovely memories during your Thanksgiving weekend. Thank you for the net we all weave together to support us.
I want to say something magical and mystical but there isn't anything that could replace seeing my husband's grin one more time or seeing him wink at me. Let the memories of our loved ones fill us up with joy instead of sadness - even if only for a minute - or an hour - or maybe a year - all together now - one - two - three -
breathe in their love. It's there. It doesn't die. xo
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