I had a really good time last night. It was actually lovely talking to this wonderful friend who is happy with her husband and expecting a baby. We had a delicious dinner and saw Driving Miss Daisy. I like people to be happy. I'm not a grinch. Okay. Sometimes I'm a grinch!
The thing is the slow walk home knowing that without Artie it doesn't feel like home and there is all this empty space to fill in my mind and heart. Day after day. Night after night. Trying to stay motivated - heck - get motivated - to have things feel meaningful without Artie to share them.
Somebody said something about baggage. Artie and I were each other's baggage handlers - now I have to carrry all my baggage by myself! I don't - I have good people in my life - but someone said it really well - I'm not first in anyone's life anymore. I'm lucky that I have a lot of people who love me - but with Artie I was first. I have a note from him that says "You're my everything." Maybe it's not good for people to be each other's everything - but we were - we are.
On the walk home I found myself saying out loud, "I'm scared." It's okay. It's NYC - so nobody paid any attention to me. :) I hadn't meant to say it out loud. There's nothing real to be scared of - but life without my husband is scary. Knowing he won't walk in the door and say, "Hi honey, I love you!" is scary.
Lots of places to go and things to do and people to see. There's one face missing. Eek.
Acceptance and surrender. I was never very good at those. xo
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