Monday, September 5, 2011

Grief: Where Is Everybody?

Where is my husband?  That's the first question.  I mean - he's dead.  I know where his ashes are.  I don't have an idea of what "heaven" or the afterlife is.  I feel his spirit with me.  I'm earthbound - stuck in my body - so I keep working on having a relationship with my husband ghost.  Someone asked the other day about falling in love again.  I never can decide if I am holding on to my hurt by holding on to my past.  I only know how I feel - which is still married.  I would like a warm living body in my life but it's not something I can control. I still love Artie so much it's not something I'm willing to work at.  How does he feel?  I think he would be happy for me - but even dead - I think a part of him would prefer I wait until we can be together again.  If that is delusional - I'm very fond of my delusions!  So...unless someone walks into my life and scoops me up that's the way it will be.

Where are my husband's friends?  Aha.  That's a familiar one.  I went to a bereavement group and a widow said 700 people came to her husband's funeral and not one of them were still in contact with her.  There are two of his friends who have stayed in touch with me so that makes me lucky.  I don't know why this happens.  Are they moving on?  Do they think I moved on?  Is it too painful to talk to me?  I know when he was dying he asked people to look after me because he was afraid I wouldn't want to live without him.  They did for a while.  Not any more.  Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who remembers him, who cares that he's dead.  I know that's not true.  His death was difficult for many people who loved him.  I wish they would want to keep a connection going.  I'm grateful for the two who have.  One is a guy who called me girlio in an e-mail.  I loved that at 60 - girlio!!  Some of his friends called him Boss - and this guy calls me Mrs. Boss.  I love that too.  The other is a very special young woman who inspires me all the time.

Where are my friends?  I am lucky in that most of my friends have hung in there with me.  The only thing that has changed is that they talk more about their husbands/partners than they used to.  Sometimes it is okay.  Sometimes it is tiring.  I have a special love for friends who acknowledge that it is okay for me to still miss Artie, still love Artie, still be sad that he isn't here.  I had one friend, Mary, who I knew for over 30 years.  She disappeared.  On the year anniversary of Artie's death I sent thank you notes to people who had given me a lot of support.  I sent her a card and said how weird it felt that I couldn't do that with her.  I sent her a DVD copy of the show I did "Pull Me Back"  with a note saying I don't know what to do about you because we have so much history together - but then you go away.  Haven't heard a word.  Probably never will.  Strange.  I'm also lucky in the new friends I have met both in the real world and through Facebook and the blog.  They all know Artie - I talk about him all the time.  I have found a great support system in other widows and other people who have had a much loved person die.  That's because they really understand.

Where is my daughter?  She has been a great support.  For those of you who have been following our saga - she promised to move to the east coast (I'm in NYC) then said she was going to stay in Seattle.  Now that I have a year's lease on an apartment near her house in Seattle (she is having my first grandchild - Gwendolyn) in December - she said she is definitely moving east in Feb. or March.  Whatever she decides is okay with me.  I decided that if she is near or far I will make this new part of my life an important part of my life and show up for it. Gwendolyn will have to get used to grandma telling Artie stories!!

Where am I?  Here.  Good days and bad.  I'm still afraid to go back and look at all my posts to see if they can turn into a book.  The truth is I have changed.  I don't cry hysterically for hours.  I don't believe Artie is going to come and get me.  I'm not thinking of suicide.  After a little over two years I miss him more every day.  I do cry sometimes.  I like to spend time with him.  I feel married to him and wear his wedding ring and mine all the time now instead of just when I am home.  I'm trying to look at what I have accomplished as well as what I haven't.  Still have far to go.  Do better when I get out of my head - when I try to help others - even by encouraging folks I don't know on FB.  Maybe I will be performing more.  Maybe I will write that book or get that poetry manuscript together.  Still have very stuck days - but less.  Still sleep with a Yankee jacket instead of a human being.  I'm straddling two worlds - the world where I am in love and married to a ghost - and the one where I try to live fully.  I can't tell if that will ever end.  Like I always say.  Watch this space.  :)

What a winding path it is having someone - or a loved pet - die.  I hope as you walk your path today you find some flowers growing and that if you notice them they make you smile instead of irritate you!  xo

No comments:

Post a Comment