Friday, September 23, 2011

Grief: Staying Alive or Living

A character in a movie said, "I live in the past.  That is my future."  That made me sit up and take notice.  A while back I decided to stay alive; not for me but for the people who love me.  Now I am thinking why bother to stay alive and not live - not be fully alive?

Five people have asked me the same kind of question this week.  What do you want to do with the rest of your life?  Do you want to be a poet, a good poet, a great poet?  Why are you placating people instead of telling them what you want and deserve?  You are a powerful, creative woman.  Why don't you feel like it and act like it?  Someone even said, every time I open my mouth my brilliance comes out.  Well there.  How's that for a throw down.  Come on, Jan, Panache, Twiglet (Artie used to say I'm the tree and you're the branch - then we decided God as you think of Him/Her is the tree - Artie's the branch and I'm the twig - it was a joke - we learned from each other), laughbuttons, Janushka, ME.  How do I do it?  Be on my side.  Be driven.  Had lunch with an woman at HBO (I won't name drop) who is DRIVEN.  Doesn't need to be any more to pay the rent but she gets out of bed whether she wants to or not and works constantly to achieve her goals.  Isn't it my turn?  To do it for myself? Do I have the moxie to not hit the snooze button a zillion times?  I don't really want to be driven.  Dedicated is a better word.  Devoted.  Dedicated and devoted to letting myself achieve more of what I want to.

Artie's death might stop being my racket, my excuse.  Artie's death might start being my inspiration.  Do it for me.  Do it for Artie.

Good stuff:  Still going to all the exercise and body work places.  Just skipped one Rolfing session this week because I was tired.  Googled diet plan and NYC and found out there is a diet doctor with a whole team (nutritionist etc...) one block away from me.  Was that a sign or what?  Have an appointment next Friday.  Probably have to break up with sugar.  No news there.  Although, there is a diet that allows one cheat day... I know, I'm a tough case!

More Good Stuff:  Going to Woodstock for a reception and showing of a film that was generated by a conference I did.  Asked the guy to drive me that I've always liked talking to - he had given me his phone number and I invited him (with two other friends) to the reception and the screening.  Not a date but a teeny tiny crack in a firmly closed door.

Even More Good Stuff:  A friend asked me to be on her web radio show to talk about grief.  Kevin my storytelling coach is having me tell a story in November on mainstage RISK (that's the one with the celebrities.)  When I do stick my head out people notice and I get to do things.  I find that both exciting and terrifying.  The excited part wants to do more.  The terrified part wants to hide more.

Stuff Stuff (not bad - just stuff stuff) - cancelled three things I would have enjoyed.  Cosy in bed with DVDs.  Excuse or reason?  My body is sore getting used to all these changes - even though they are good ones.

Questionable stuff - always wonder about wearing my wedding ring with Artie's wedding ring again full time.  A friend said - why not - her granny wore her wedding ring the entire 40 years she was a widow.

Hopeful stuff:  Have a full day to myself tomorrow.  Start writing the book.  Write a poem.   

Lesson:  schedule better - don't be busy every day even though I am grateful that I have all these wonderful friends to be busy with. 

Good question.  Why not?

What would happen if we all looked at what we want to do and don't and said why not?  I'll always leave time for connecting with other people.  That is very important to me.  I'll always leave time for being with my beloved ghost.  I'll always watch some DVDs and maybe start reading more again.  I always plan to shift the balance and accomplish more tomorrow.  But never today.  Saturday is a good day for starting.  Anybody want to start with me?  Accomplish one thing that means living in the present and not in the past for at least part of the day?  Like I say some times, "Watch this space."  xo

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