Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Grief: Path Out of the Woods?

I think there are a lot of paths out of the woods.  Sometimes though, like in the fairy tales, even if you put down bread crumbs to find your way out birds come and eat them and there you are - lost again.  I just received e-mails from two widows I hadn't communicated with in a while.  We seem to be going along doing things, living our lives, looking quite normal and then underneath that lost in the woods feeling.  Planting flowers in a garden making someone happy and then suddenly sad. 

I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream.  It was pouring rain and Artie and I were trying to get something sorted to get in somewhere and we were cold and getting more and more soaked.  He said he would go for help and I waited and I waited and he never came back.  He couldn't.  He can't.  Have to figure out how to get out the rain (my tears?) all by myself.  Have to figure out how to get out of bed all by myself. One foot - then the other.  That's the simple route.

I know now I'm doing something I feel better.  Yet, with all I've done - all these lovely techniques - I wind up with the same question.  How do I live with being in love with a dead man?  With a decided limp.  It's like having a leg amputated (maybe - I've never lived through that) - the leg is definitely gone and the prosthetic one doesn't work as well as your own - but I know someone with a prosthetic leg who came in second in a swing dancing contest and rides a motorcycle.  I just have to keep practicing and while I am always aware that someone is missing and missed - my choice is to stay in bed in the empty place (that is full) or to go out limping. 

I'm hoping to use the at home space to start writing more.  Not there yet.  Still haven't looked at the show DVDs.  I am avoiding that with such determination!   Sometimes all the positive statements - the ones I've learned - the ones folks say on Facebook and other places - seem like steel beams holding me up - sometimes they seem like distant echoes or lies.  I think it is all part of grief.  Even those two magic mind benders I went to work with - Richard Bandler said that when his wife of 30 years died he considered suicide.  He's remarried now - but it took him six years.  Frank Farrelly said that he can't look at a picture of his wife who died or talk to her without crying. 

Maybe that's the real path.  Acceptance of whatever I am feeling.  As long as I make an effort to be more than a rock lying in place! - assume that love and life and grief and pain and joy and memories and new events are all tied together in a knot.  The more I try to unravel them the more strength the knot has.  Good morning knot - there you are - I'm going out anyway. :)

On Saturday a friend is having the premiere of a film at the Brooklyn Film Festival.  I have been invited to the after party.  I always skip parties and run home.  I never know what to say in a room full of people.  (although I am totally comfortable on stage!)  I am going to go for a while and see what happens.  That's another path I've been using - follow my fear - try things and see what happens. 

Hope you find a good path today - if not, enjoy the woods. There's beauty in the woods too. xo

1 comment:

  1. It seems like you're having a problem with taking what you got from life. Start to believe. Just believe that someone protects you and paves a way for the happy life. Someone from the sky sends sunshine beams to your heart. try to catch those beams.