Sunday, May 8, 2011

Grief: Mother's Day or Motherf..... Day

Don't want to be offensive so I didn't finish the word.  I know how difficult certain days are for me having had my husband die but I don't have to live through a Husband's Day.  I wanted to post today to say that if you have had a child die or your Mom die - I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling.  I want to tell you that whatever you are feeling - it's okay.  It's terrific if you are in a place where you can celebrate the life of your child and or your mother - but if that's not where you are there's nothing wrong with cursing, tears, resentment, envy, sadness - or with everything all mixed together.  Next mood swing - 10 minutes!  There's nothing wrong with going out and having a party and there's nothing wrong with staying in bed with the covers over your head - or both.

I hope that the folks around you are being respectful and understanding of what you have lost - if the death occurred recently or if it occurred 40 years ago.  You have the right to your feelings. 

When my daughter was using drugs she was down to 85 pounds and I thought she was going to die.  It was the scariest and most helpless time for me.  I still don't like thinking of what she went through.  I am lucky because she survived - and will be sober soon for 5 years.  If you are angry that she made it and your kid didn't - that's okay with me.  Sometimes I see couples - especially older ones - and I think why is my husband dead and that woman's isn't.  I call myself Nice Jan and Mean Snarky Jan.  Luckily I have friends who put up with the Mean Snarky me.

What I wish for you is that you have happy memories that you can gather all around you - memories that give you some laughter and some silliness - and a great sense of love.  I was never a believer before Artie died - but I like believing that he is still with me in spirit and that some day I will get to go home to him.  That belief helps me through the rough times.  I don't even care if it is real or delusional. 

That's our real challenge - to figure out ways to have something so painful turn into something inspirational.  To think of that wonderful face and voice and hear, "I love you.  I miss you!  You go out there and make me proud."  I hope you can have a Mother's Day and not a Motherf........ Day.  :)

For those of us that have children living or mom's living - it's something to think about.  What if they weren't? There were so many things I let irritate me about Artie when he was alive.  It all seems so silly now.  Sometimes there are real and unsolvable problems - but sometimes - I know that for me - I was stuck in my point of view and would give anything to have him back to spend more time with him and be a better wife.  Not a more loving wife - we adored each other - just one who made better choices sometimes.  Maybe that means that I should get off of the computer and call my daughter.  It's never easy to follow my own advice.

Lots of love to all of you today - remember you are grief warriors and deserve to be loved and understood!xo

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