Saturday, October 2, 2010

Grief and Homelessness

The house where Artie and I lived in California is sold.  A couple with two small children will be living there creating their own stories.  I hope the house will be filled with laughter and love again.  I love my apartment in NYC and am grateful to be able to live in such a wonderful place.  Yet...ever since Artie died I feel homeless.  I always felt that a person - my husband - was my home - not a place.  My new hypnotherapist who taught me some good things thought I wanted to recover from my grief.  Couldn't get the concept that I want to be better at weaving it into my life so it doesn't overwhelm me.  How could I ever stop missing that wonderful man who loves (loved?) me?  Why would I want to?  I like spending some time - not all the time - with my ghost. 

I wonder if I will ever feel at home in this earthly body again.  I never did completely - but when Artie held me - I felt safe and comforted.  Now I must find that safety and comfort in a different way.  Doing a lot of wonderful things but still sluggish - particularly in the morning.  Even thought it's been over a year whenever I open my eyes my first thought is "Oh my God!  He's dead."  I don't cry much anymore.  Just fight the feeling of how pointless it is to get up and get going without him.  Then I get up and get going and often accomplish a lot and have good times.  Then the circle completes itself as I come "home" to an apartment full of his things and his energy - but not him- not in the human form I love (loved?). 

Life and loss.  A friend is staying with me, going to a conference of performers - many doing pieces about genocide and tragedy on a great scale.  I don't know how they go on.  For me, the loss of one person I would say is unbearable - except I am bearing it.  If I wasn't I wouldn't be writing and creating a new life.  In spite of feeling homeless and rootless and sometimes scared and always always wishing for the impossible.  All the things about him that most irritated me I would grateful to experience again.  That would be pure magick to have him appear in the flesh for one more day.  I wonder what it will be like when it is time for me to die.  What will we be like together without our bodies.  What is that form we take after we are dead?  If there is nothing - it will be okay then because I won't know it.  Now - I cling to the sense that there is something - some continuation of the journey we were on together - maybe still are. 

I know life is full of opportunities and I try to take advantage of them - but there is an impatient longing to join him now.  I love my daughter to much to do that - but the longing remains.

Here - as always - is hope for all of us have many moments of light in whatever darkness we have.  Helen Keller, I think, said "Don't curse the darkness.  Light a candle."  How many candles will I light today?

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