Monday, May 7, 2012

Grief: What is Dead Anyway?

I was wondering about the word dead.  It is so final.  What if we said people shapeshifted?  Some folks believe in life after death, some don't.  The thing is nobody knows for sure.  It's the great secret. Artie's body is gone - I know that.  However, I had another Artie "sighting".  Someone I had only known for two or three days told me that she saw Artie standing behind me and that he was all gold and yellow.  He said, "I'm here."  This isn't the first time it happened.  I was in a storytelling class and someone I had just met told me she sensed Artie with me.  Someone I was in a summer training with told me that she could see Artie all around me and I needed to look at myself through his eyes. When Artie first died the man at the UPS store we used to mail packages from asked if he could carry some boxes to my car.  He told me that Artie had appeared to him and told him he must give me the message that Artie loves me very much.  I laughed and said, "That must have been a heck of a dream."  He said, "It wasn't a dream.  It was an apparition."  What does UPS deliver to you?

What's interesting to me about these experiences is that they weren't with friends who were trying to comfort me.  They were with people who were almost strangers.  The response wasn't elicited by anything I was saying at that moment.  I'm not the only one who has had these kind of experiences.  I'm still skeptical but the idea that Artie is still around in some kind of mysterious spirit form - and that we will be reunited some day in whatever form gives me great comfort. 

It also confuses me a little.  I waited 10 years before we got married.  Do I wait to be together with him again?  Do I try to find someone else to share my life with?  Am I still sharing my life with him, just not in a physical way?  I have no idea.  I know that I talk to him, joke with him, and sometimes even get a little angry with him.  I say "Come back."  I say, "I know you can't but come back anyway."  I feel like he answers me.  I feel like he is around me energetically.   Is he?  If he isn't, why can other people see him?

How long is too long to grieve?  I feel that I will love him and miss him for the rest of my life.  That doesn't mean that I can't be fully alive.  I am doing more, showing up more.  Sometimes it makes me feel emotionally and physically exhausted.  I'm going back for another session with the man who has helped me in the past.  Maybe he can come up with a trance for me that will give me more energy.  I am eating in a more healthy way and exercising and still the exhaustion comes.  Sometimes loving a dead person - or animal - is exhausting.

My heart is creaking open for my granddaughter.  For those of you who have children die - I can't imagine it.  I can only imagine having my husband die.  Gwendy blue eyes is a little over 4 months old now and I am getting better at separating love from grief.  That fits any grief.  We need to find ways to not only be fully alive but to open our hearts and feel love for others without the grief flooding in and tainting it.  Someone was nice enough to ask if I minded her talking about someone she met that might turn into a relationship.  I don't mind people falling in love and being happy.  I was.  I am.  We need to be fully alive and fully alove!

Shapeshifting.  Have our dead gone forever or have they just changed from earthbound into spirit?  Where are they?  Are they here with us?  It sure feels like it.  It's just darn difficult loving someone who doesn't have a body anymore when we still do. 

Strange old world.  Find some time to be happy in it.  Find some time to make someone else smile.  Don't do what I do.  Don't question everything.  What would happen if I accepted that Artie was with me - all bright and shiny saying "I'm here." loud enough so someone else can hear him?  Love triumphs over death.  Every time.  xo

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