Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Grief: From Anger to Laughter

I keep moving.  Grief is still an emotional whirlwind for me.  Sometimes I manage to connect with calm, but not very often.  I was proud of myself after Friday the 13th I continued showing up for everything I had planned.  I did a lot of laughing.  I did some crying too.  I was talking to someone whose only child had died and he looked like he was doing better so I made the mistake of commenting on that.  It was like he broke apart in front of me.  He started crying.  He told me how when he was obviously upset someone said, "Still?"  I hate that.  The answer for me is always - but what else.

I know several people with cancer and some times it seems like it is too much.  Some times it seems like everything is too much.  There is an NLP exercise where you physically walk through a tunnel.  You open a door - walk through whatever emotion is in the tunnel - and when you get to the end you close the door firmly and let yourself feel a new emotion.  It works.  I can close the door on my grief and experience other things.  The thing is, sometimes the door swings open again!

I made an appointment with the hypnotherapist who helped me a lot the last time. I want to find out how to get out of my own way.  There are things I am doing much better - but I want to find out what is blocking me from doing other things I want to. I want my blocks to dissolve.  For me, living without Artie here phsycially is a constant search for things that will help me be willing to live in the world instead of curl up in bed and sleep. 

It's like having a sore tooth and you keep touching it to see if it's still sore.  I can do other things.  I know it's still sore - I don't have to touch it.  Sometimes I focus on things that don't go well.  I had someone I thought was a friend who treated me irrationally and unkindly.  I saw her name somewhere and I was thinking about it over and over again.  Then someone e-mailed me and said I was awesome.  Someone told me that someone said I was an angel. (I'm not, or if I am - it's with a very crooked halo.)  The thing is why not focus on all the good things I have happening in my life.  Why don't I keep being a thought sharpshooter and when I'm thinking something that makes me unhappy, shoot down or blow away that thought, and replace it with something that will make me laugh? I have the skills - I want to use them more.

I am going to Michigan  today to see a friend.  I know I will feel better after I see her.  I need to keep adding those things into my life.  The things that make me content, the things that make me laugh.

I signed up for a hiking trip in Tanzania in December.  That gives me 9 months to get in physical shape.  Maybe that's like my emotional life.  My body hurts but I still have to keep moving to reach my goals.  My heart hurts but I still have to keep moving to reach my goals. 

Living with grief without sugar. It's ridiculous really - but good.  I'm ready to give up another unhealthy prop.  I'm learning to find comfort in different ways. 

Melting down.  Showing up.  Being real.  I feel Artie with me cheering me on.  I hope he's waiting for me when it's time.  It's okay for me to laugh and enjoy life.  It's not a betrayal.  I know my husband wants me to enjoy life as much as I can.  Still working on it. Love to all of us that have to go through this without the people we want to cuddle up next to and tell our stories to.  Grief warriors!   xo

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